Matched By Ally Condie

Cassia has always trusted the Society to make the right choices for her: what to read, what to watch, what to believe. So when Xander's face appears on-screen at her Matching ceremony, Cassia knows with complete certainty that he is her ideal mate... until she sees Ky Markham's face flash for an instant before the screen fades to black.

The Society tells her it's a glitch, a rare malfunction, and that she should focus on the happy life she's destined to lead with Xander. But Cassia can't stop thinking about Ky, and as they slowly fall in love, Cassia begins to doubt the Society's infallibility and is faced with an impossible choice: between Xander and Ky, between the only life she's known and a path that no one else has dared to follow.

When the back cover referenced this as similar to Lois Lowry's The Giver, it was immedietly on my "to-read" list. The Giver was a story i will always remember and has a sentimental-sort of value to me.
That is why i liked this. Its pretty much the exact same. Except its based on a love story. From the beginning, i loved Xander, and i couldnt care for Ky at all. But like Cassia, i found myself falling for Ky more and more. And, in the end, like Cassia, i found my heart aching for Xander. However, i do have questions that im not sure were clarified or not in the book; what happens to Xander if he ends up without Cassia? Does he get matched with someone else, or does he become a Single?

 It was an enjoyable, engaging read, but it more often tends to be melodramatic and overwritten at times. Because the pacing is slow, It's a deliberate build, more introspective than action. However, I found it compulsively readable. I casually sailed through the first 2/3's and then the final third really comes into it's own. By then it felt like the story was into it's own completely addictive groove and by the time it ended, I was ready to pick up the next installment.

Divergent By Veronica Roth

In Beatrice Prior's dystopian Chicago, society is divided into five factions, each dedicated to the cultivation of a particular virtue—Candor (the honest), Abnegation (the selfless), Dauntless (the brave), Amity (the peaceful), and Erudite (the intelligent). On an appointed day of every year, all sixteen-year-olds must select the faction to which they will devote the rest of their lives. For Beatrice, the decision is between staying with her family and being who she really is—she can't have both. So she makes a choice that surprises everyone, including herself.

During the highly competitive initiation that follows, Beatrice renames herself Tris and struggles to determine who her friends really are—and where, exactly, a romance with a sometimes fascinating, sometimes infuriating boy fits into the life she's chosen. But Tris also has a secret, one she's kept hidden from everyone because she's been warned it can mean death. And as she discovers a growing conflict that threatens to unravel her seemingly perfect society, she also learns that her secret might help her save those she loves . . . or it might destroy her.

Debut author Veronica Roth bursts onto the literary scene with the first book in the Divergent series—dystopian thrillers filled with electrifying decisions, heartbreaking betrayals, stunning consequences, and unexpected romance.



I did not like this book.
I LOVED it!
I have to admit, my first impression of this book wasnt a good one. Somehow i came in contact with a book trailor that im no longer able to find. It contained so much action and just seemed way over board for me. Boy, was i wrong. And, whoever posted that video i watched needs to remove it because its not at all what the book is like. Veronica Roth delivers the story so incredibly easy, but detailed and so intriguing that you just don't want to stop reading. Its interesting from the very first chapter. It makes for a very smooth read.

I love "Tris" from the moment when she jumped off the train. I knew what kind of character she was going to be. I, too, fell inlove with "Four" the minute he grabbed for "Tris's" hand. He's just delicious. I just want more of them. More!
This book is so compelling and indulging. Veronica's words are just unearthly the way she peices the story together. Its hard to believe she's (only) almost 2 years older than me. She's a genius, and i NEED Insurgent, now!
Go read this. If your debating, because your not sure, just do it. Its very unlikely you'll regret it ;)

Four Years With My Bestfriend

"The extent of your consciousness is limited only by your ability to love and to embrace with your love the space aroud you, and all it contains." -Napolean Bonaparte

Time flies when you spend pretty much a year being pregnant and then two years as a family of 3. These last 4 years have been full of laughs, love, cuddles, stress, struggles, and fun! Its been an adventure so far and im not ready to end it any time soon.
It isnt always easy but we make things work. We are just as in love as we ever were, its just hard to show somedays, and occassionally it gets put on the back burner. But, our relationship is as strong as ever. Our daughter makes us laugh everyday, we wouldnt change one thing. We are so grateful and thankful for our health and family.

He is my prince charming; a chivalrist, funny and quorky, laid back and loving. He's everything i could ever ask for. I Love Him.

My world

Today marks 4 years with my bestfriend. How lucky am i? I Love You. Always have, always will.

December 28, 2007 <3
 (We were 18 here)

"Yesterday is gone.  Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin."

 -Mother Theresa

Christmas, An Anniversary, AND a Birthday!

Well, Santa didn't bring what i asked for. *pouts* No undisturbed nights for this mama. Not yet anyways.
I did, however, get most of what i asked for from DP & L. I got a camera, books: Catching fire & Mockingjay by susanne Collins, underwear, a crock pot, a roaster, and some very nice earrings, along with a few other little nick nacks. L also got spoiled, of course.

(not shown: Kitchen set, key board and a couple dolls, ad an electric broom)

We still have about 5 gifts that arent opened and arent shown in the picture. I can't believe how much stuff she got. We have so much family, i think next year we are going to keep the gifts minimal from us.

And NOW, we have her birthday coming up in 4 days! Sadly, we dont have many people coming. I would of loved to have a few more kids coming. We possibly have only one kid coming. Oh well, they'll still have fun. I have a couple things for her, plus money from some family, my mom has stuff for her, and whatever she gets from guests. A LOT! way too much for one month. I'm whiped out. Having Christmas and 3 christmas dinners along with a birthday and an anniversary all within one week is NUTS!! Needless to say, we're broke before we get paid. (How does that work!?)
--Our next child will have to be planned accordingly. lol

Oh, and pssst... I lost 1 lb over the holidays!

Go me!

I'll end with this lol: (5:40 am xmas morning)

 

A Gluten For Punishment

Today was my second day of my 90 Day Challenge. I thought i did so well. I had so much more will power and motivation than i did yesterday. I even consumed less calories. Exercised a little, too.

My biggest weakness? Night time eating.

It appears that i am a gluten for punishment when the sun sets and L is in bed. I just dont have a little 2 year old keeping me on my toes and keeping me from eating out of bordem. When she goes to bed i have nothing to do, and if i do think of something, i dont want to do it. This is my relaxing time. If it wasnt so damn cold out i would go for a run every evening like i used to.
I want to lose weight this Christmas, not gain.

Gotta keep moving forward. Tomorrow will be better. Positive thinking.

90-Day Challenge!

I've decided to start a 90 day weight loss/ health/ fitness/ detoxing challenge!
I know its the holidays and everyone is going to be eating yummy christmas treats and dinner, but its no excuse to not to start.

My goal is to lose 10-12 lbs and about 4 inches, which means tone, tone tone!!
I've previously went from 172 (right before Leah was born) to 131, which is 6 lbs less than what i was before i got pregnant. Recently however, ive gained back 4 lbs. And as a mommy, im sure you know that you can get back down to your pre-pregnancy weight but your body will NOT look the same. So, i need to tone tone TONE! I'm ready to kick some butt! lol

I've subscribed to Blogilates on YouTube, and have been for a while, shes awesome.
If you want to do this Challenge then you can find out more here.

I'll keep updating on my progress! Feel free to let me know how your doing! :D
Merry Christmas!!!

Dear Santa

I realize its probably too late to send a letter by mail, so i thought, you know, that writing a letter to you online that's not getting sent at all will somehow work. Next year i promise to write a real letter because i want a letter back. Id like to know your thoughts on my (probably) annual requests.

As you know, i don't usually ask for anything at all. From you anyways. And i hope that it somehow works in my favor, because i need a legitimate gift from you and its quite a large request :)

This year Santa, i only ask for one thing and my requisition is this: sleep. Id like a whole week of it, uninterrupted.

You heard me right. Sleep. It can't be wrapped or put under the tree. It can't be opened or played with.
 I already had a long talk with The Man Upstairs. So its all good.

 If you can somehow fit enough magic in your big red bag to provide me with a weeks worth of uninterrupted nights full of blissful sleep, i promise to go to bed before 11pm every night. I all be ever so grateful!

Thanks,
One tired mama aka Megan.

Uneducated First Time Mama - But Still Proud.

Lately, I've been feeling guilty. Like i didn't make the right choices for Leahs birth or while she was an infant. I am ever so thankful for all of the support i receive from the lovely mamas on twitter. Life is easier with them in it. :') That being said, I've learned so much from them as well. I've learned things i never would have from just reading online or in books about pregnancy, birth, and infants. I really do wish i had been this educated while i was pregnant. There's nothing i can do about it now other than keep that information locked away in my brain for the next baby - whenever that may be.

I did experience a traumatic birth with Leah and there are so many things i could have done that COULD of helped. I'll never know. I'll never know if i had gotten a midwife, would that have been able to prevent Leah being strangled by her own umbilical during pushing. Or if there was something i could have done to prevent the use of foreceps. I'll never know a lot of things.
Only at 30 weeks did i find out that a previous ultrasound had found cysts on her brain at 18 weeks. Only at 36 weeks did i find out she had the cord wrapped around her neck twice.
Even before asking me what i wanted my OB told me "You're more than likely going to get an epidural. Because I've seen woman go naturally, and its not pretty".
There are a lot of things that i could have done. But instead of listing off any other i didn't do, i say the things i did do.

I found out i was pg at just 5 weeks and took my prenatal vitamin faithfully, everyday until i stopped breastfeeding.
I stayed as active as i could (walking to work, exercising)
Matt and i took prenatal classes, which ended 2 weeks before my edd.
I ate healthy and went to every doctors appointment.

And in the end, No matter the difficulties we had along the way, my beautiful 7lb 11oz baby girl came into the world just fine. She's still healthy and as smart as ever. Im blessed beyond words to have her. Everyday she makes me laugh.
My positive way of looking at it: whatever i did or didn't do, she's here and we love her and she loves us.
Its these next years that really count to help guide her to become the person she chooses to be. I am her mother and her role model. I can't screw this up. I won't screw this up.

Sleep Regression Stress

Okay, seriously?
She's 2 weeks away from being two and she still wakes up at night. Usually for 1.5-2.5 hours at a time.
I just don't get it. What happened to needing 12 hours of sleep?
With potty training right now - pretty much from scratch again - i've been so stressed out. I need my sleep!

I've been fighting hard against another burn out and, thankfully, she's going to bed like a charm lately. Only 15 min and she's out, compared to an hour its a HUGE improvment and i can definetly live with that! Now we just need to somehow get her out of this waking up at night, wide awake and tossing and turning.

Is it neccesary for the "terrible twos" to bring with it sleep regression, new potty training troubles AND temper tantrums?! No, i don't think so.

Terrible Twos Are Terrible!

"Leah The Terrible"

No one has to tell me we're entering that "terrible twos" stage - im already aware of that. Where did that sweet, cooperative, friendly little girl go? She's still in there. But ocassionally, "Leah the terrible" will show her face. She's a crazy, whiney, kicking & screaming tantruming mess! She doesn't like to be talked to, touched, or soothed - she's impossible.

Earlier today we went for a walk downtown to do a little shopping and stop at the library. At the store she was good; she got out of her stroller but followed me everywhere and listened when i said "put that back please" ;she even helped a little boy and his mom clean up a bubblegum wrapper that he ripped up! I bought some things for stocking stuffers and at the cash she started to BAWL when she saw her stickers up on the counter (this is a regular thing -she thinks shes not going to get it back or something). After they were rang through i let her hold them. By that time she had noticed the bags of candy and chocolate hanging on the wall RIGHT at her eye level (damn those store owners! *shakes fist* they asked for it!) and started to point at it saying "treeeeaaaatt!!". The store is very tiny and compact so with 3 other people bunched behind and to the side of me, i needed to move my butt and get out of there. I took leah's hand while pushing the stroller and said "How about we go to the library and look at some books?". No way was she having that. Right there and then she threw herself down right in front of the door. Finally i got us out of the store and made her sit down on the step to calm down before we left. It took 10 minutes and some negotiating. We stopped and got chips lol.

We made it to the library, and just as i picked up the first book to look at, she climbs out of her stroller. I was okay with that but i needed to whipe her hands since they were all cheesy. Thats when the meltdown from hell happened! Flopped down on the floor kicking, screaming, crying, the whole package! I quickly went to the check out and left her there crying (it wasnt far from me- i could still see her, and there was no one else there lol). Then i picked her up and walked to the elevator, and she starts crying even louder. I asked her if she wanted to go look at the books and colour (which is on another floor) but she just kept screaming so i went to the main floor entrance in the lobby. The crying continued but she finally said yes to lookig at books, so i took her downstairs. She insisted on staying in my arms and was still whiney and didnt want to do ANYTHING! I packed up after 10 min of trying to get her comfortable enough to go play. We left and it was a BATTLE to get her in her stroller and strapped in. The whole way home she was hanging out and flopping down so her boots dragged on the ground. By this time the crying had tured into a constant struggle for breath, while she cried of course. She was just so upset. Speaking nicely and calm to her did nothing but make it worse. i had no choice but to just walk home with her like that. When we got home 10 min later she went right to time out until she calmed down.

So, all this coupled with trying to potty train, its been a complete and utter NIGHTMARE!
I just dont get it. She will go to the potty EVERY single time when she has no underwear or anything on. But as soon as she has underwear on she pees right through them. I understand that shes learning, but we've been doing this for almost 2 weeks straight now, and she knows where and when to go! If i dont put pants on her immedietly after taking her diaper off from the night, she'll go to the potty. But once the pants are on, not a chance. Or if in between me putting another pair of pants on her she has to go, she'll go to the potty!

Its insane, and i dont know what to do.

Im facing major burn out, and a nervous breakdown is a weekly thing.

Sleep Problems. What's New?

It seems to be a cycle. She'll sleep through the night for a month or two, then wake up 1-2 times for another 2-3 months. It's incredibly more difficult than it used to be.

Dark circles under the eyes is the new look in this household. Its getting to the point that i put on my Garnier dark eye roller before bed AND when i wake up, and possibly on my way back to bed after putting leah down for the second or third time. By the time 7pm rolls around and leah is in bed, im legitimately done for the evening, and ready for bed! But then, of course i need to socialize and text friends/family, go on facebook for 2 min, go on twitter for 30, and maybe blog -- maybe not --, and read.
I NEED this vital me time! Its imperative and i need a little self indulgence, otherwise... i'll probably lose the little bit of samity im clinging onto for dear life!

So, here's how my night was last night:
11pm- went to bed (prob fell asleep somewhere a little after 1130)

1am- Leah wakes up. I easily rock her back to sleep.
330am- Matt comes home, i hear the shower, go talk to him for a bit and naturally, i was wide awake.

4am- i attempt sleep (without any luck)
530am- (still havent fell back to sleep) Leah wakes up. I rock her.
630am- Leahs still not asleep. I give up. Matt takes over. Shes balling because of course, no one can do it ONLY ME!!! ugh!

Finally after this i fell asleep without any trouble and Matt was able to get her to sleep. Thank God! She slept til 8. Whoopy-effing-DOO! I got a combined total of 5 very broken up hours of sleep! It doesn't sound terrible but when you break it into an hour and a half increments its brutal.

So, who has advice? Anyone? Anyone at all? ....hm. yeah. Thats what i thought.
Thanks for reading anyways.
:)

A Discomposure For My Indecisive Lifestyle

Something clicked in today and made me think. I'm definetly the most indecisive person i know. And it scared the hell out of me.
How is it possible to be so afriad of commitment?
I don't want to provide an unstable foundation for my children.

I am 22 years old and i dont know what i want to do with my life. I don't know where its going. Does that make me a bad person? A bad mother?

I know 17 year olds who know exactly what they want to do with their lives and when they are going to do it. Seventeen!! When i was 17 i was suppose to graduate highschool, but didnt. I decided to screw my life up just enough so i can learn the hardest way possible.
Since then, i think i've changed my mind at least 10 times on what i want to do career wise. I always find a reason or an excuse as to why i change my mind.

My mom has gone to college 4 times. Hair styling, social worker, dental assistant, and hair again. Finally, shes sticking to hair. But who knows for how long.
My problem here, is that ive changed my mind so many time on a career path that i'm afraid i'll put money into something i don't like at all once i start it, and actually get out in the field.

Today, Matt said to me "If i get this promotion we can finally start saving for a house."

I told him i don't want a house. But i do. I just cant.
I want our house to be our "forever home". Maybe move houses twice. Tops. To me, buying a house at this age and so unsure about what we are going to do with the rest of our lives or where its going to take us, is unnerving. My family lives out east. His family is all here. In the past we both have dicussed that we would LOVE to live out east, some day.
After talking about it for a while he comes back and says to me "So, you'd rather jump from apartment to apartment or town house to town house than live in your own home? I don't."

 And thats not what i want.
I'm just... afraid.

I feel like the most unstable, inconsistent, and unpredictable individual ever. I don't feel like its normal. It can't be. Its one of the worst feelings ever -- to not know what you truley want.
What's wrong with me?

Graveminder by Melissa Marr -- Book Review

 Melissa Mar is known to young adult readers as the author of the popular faery series Wicked Lovely. Her debut leap into adult fiction lands her in the small community of Claysville, a town where the dead walk free unless their graves are not properly tended. Into this eerie maelstrom, Rebekkah Barrow descends as she returns to a place that she once believed she knew. Kelley Armstrong justly described Graveminder as "a deliciously creepy tale that is as skillfully wrought as it is spellbindingly imagined." A new genre author to watch.

Definetly an interesting take on zombies!

I think it was a bit slow getting started and there were a LOT of characters tied into the story, making it a little difficult to wrap your head around.
Personally, i thought that it focuses a little too much on the love story than the actual events, thus leaving a lot of my questions unanswered.
It wasn't nearly as creepy or scary as i thought it would be.
Not going to be at the top of my recommendation list, but if blood drinking, flesh snacking, talking zombies with feelings is your thing -- then by all means, indulge youself. I don't regret reading it. Just not a favorite :) 

The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins

In the ruins of a place once known as North America lies the nation of Panem, a shining Capitol surrounded by twelve outlying districts. The Capitol is harsh and cruel and keeps the districts in line by forcing them all to send one boy and one girl between the ages of twelve and eighteen to participate in the annual Hunger Games, a fight to the death on live TV.

Sixteen-year-old Katniss Everdeen, who lives alone with her mother and younger sister, regards it as a death sentence when she steps forward to take her sister's place in the Games. But Katniss has been close to dead before—and survival, for her, is second nature. Without really meaning to, she becomes a contender. But if she is to win, she will have to start making choices that will weigh survival against humanity and life against love.

So, this is what all the fuss is about! 
Every where i turned to ask for a book suggestion, The Hunger Games kept popping up, first on the list actually. Now i know why, and im finding myself telling everyone to read it. Because really, you need to stop reading this review and just go read it. And if you already have, read it again. Go go go!
Its hard to NOT fall in-love with the Katniss and Peeta. I mean, seriously, whats not to like about them. I only wish i had the ability and knowledge to snare a rabbit, and be completely badass about it.
No doubt about it, this book will have you tearing up one minute, laughing the next, and falling in love more and more with the story after each compelling page.
Its taking every bit of will power i can muster up not to go out and buy the next two. But christmas is coming and they are #1 on my list, believe me!
Oh, and March 23, 2011 So stinking excited for the MOVIE!!

Having A Toddler vs A Newborn

Sometimes i think having a newborn was easier than it is having a toddler.

Wait, wait, wait! Before you jump down my throat and call me crazy, let me clarify lol ;)

Being a new mother and being completely unaware and uneducated first hand as well as getting adjusted to our new lifestyle, and not to mention the healing, THAT was hard! But, everything was schedualed after a week or so. Every 3 hours she awoke to eat & be changed. When she wasn't sleeping or eating she was in my arms cuddling or on the floor playing with one of us. But being a small baby, she slept a LOT -- giving me a break in 2-3 hour intervals. Hm, when i put it that way -- that sounds AWESOME! lol (i was blessed with a pretty laid back baby)

Being a mother to a toddler who will be two on the 31st of December is hard. Its exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally. She's beyond whiney at times, throwing tantrums in public and making you look like a fool (shes good at that), shes clingy (which i dont mind most of the time), i never know when shes truley hungry (because she barely eats EVER!), we're potty training, she's in a toddler bed (which we still struggle with keeping her in), shes opinionated (which isnt always a bad thing), She refuses to sleep some nights, she doesn't take naps anymore, and shes insistant and persistant.
Now, these aren't all bad. There are way more things that i absolutely LOVE about this age! Im just saying, i feel more drained these days then i ever have.

All that being said, I absolutely, 100% love being a mother! Shes has brought a tremendous amount of joy into my life. There's not a day that goes by that im not thankful for every second i get with her. We are blessed beyond belief to have such a healthy, smart, and beautiful little girl.
She's my angel, and lights up my life.

My Thoughts On Homeschooling

I have my own disagreements and dislikes about our school system. Like, for example, how they are trying to cut out having students stand for OUR Canadian national anthem. Or how we don't celebrate christmas in the schools anymore. Also, suspension rates for children in kindergaten (JK/SK) when kids are just 3-5 years old!
I dont agree with how many teachers these days favor certain kids or use excuses like ADHD, ADD, or other behavioural disabilities to make handling them easier. --i recently had a heated discussion over facebook about our teachers.
Im not racist in anyway at all but about 8 years ago my cousin was in grade 1, so 6 years old. He got suspended freom school for pushing a little East Indian girl, when she actually started it and punched him (i know this because she admitted it to the principal). The reason for his suspension was because he fought back.

As a child i went to about 12 different schools. I know people who have only gone to 2 different schools and lived in the same how since they were born! I wish.
I want stability in Leah's life. Even if we homeschool her until highschool. Who knows where life is going to take us. Matt wants to go for RCMP, which the school is in Alberta. And one day we would love to live in Eastern Canada, where the rest of my family is. I'm not even ready for a house yet because i want it to be a forever home. I want to live there until im an old lady, and my kids are long gone and visit us with their children. I want us to make roots for our kids.

Everytime i bring up homeschooling to friends or co-workers they laugh or say "have fun with that!" or "so, you want a social retard?!" (yes, im aware i work with rude dumbasses) or "you don't want to do that! She's going to need to socialize and your going to want a break, trust me!".
Yes, i couldnt agree more. i will need a break. But this is a lifestyle preference, not a sanctuary of isolation. I completely understand its not for everyone, and i don't look down upon people who put their kids in public schools.
I just feel uncomfortable not knowing weather or not my child is being trated fairly, or having a label stuck on her head for being a little too hyper once and a while because she had Corn Pops or a pop tart for breakfast instead of a yogurt and buttered toast. Kids are going to be kids. I refuse to put my daughter on any medication to zombiefy her into an emotionless, zoned out robot. If she happens to be diagnosed with a hyperactive or behavioural disability i will make alternative decisions. My sister was diagnosed at 3 with all sorts of behavioural and hyper active disabilities. Shes been on every medication, phramacutical and homeopathic. She is an extremely hard child (well, now almost teenager) to cope with on an hourly basis.
And i know sometimes for your own health and sanity you really have no other option, and i understand. I'm just trying not to offend anyone, ive seen a lot and dealt with a lot. If Leah was in a situation like my sister then it would take some serious thinking.

With homeschool i love that you have the capability to work one on one to your childs needs and learning level.
As for socialization. Leah is almost 2, and shes joining dance in January, and i also want to get her into swimming. She goes to play groups and also plays with some of my friends kids. I know kids who have gone to public school and have problems socializing. I understand there's a lot to think about and consider but its been plaguing my mind for almost 10 months now. My mom thinks its a cool idea and wishes she could have homeschooled my sister. Other then that all of Matts family is more or less, against it.
So, if you or someone you know has been homeschooled, or you are homeschooling your kids or are thinking about it, PLEASE leave me some love! :)

Plz save yourself the time of writing a negative comment. Because weather you like it or not there ARE kids who are homeschooled.

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly -- My Life in a Nut Shell

I don't pretend to have the best life. I don't.

I am so fortunate for my hardworking, loving boyfriend as well as my beautiful, one of a kind daughter. Life without either of them is unimaginable.

Life before either of them however, was no where near pretty. I know people experience worse. But I can't say its something easily forgotten. Also, i HATE using it as an excuse as to why i'm the way i am but really, i can find any other understandable reasoning. 

Here is my brief life story.

By age 5 we had moved 3 times. I went to 2 different schools. My parents seperated. My mom and i moved from one end of the country to the very opposite. 

By age 8 I had gone to 6 more different schools. My mom had a new boyfriend. We moved from One end of the country back to the other end. I had a dog for 3 months (whom i loved so very much). My mom and her boyfriend broke up. We moved from one end of the country to the central region. My mom and dad got back together.
By age 10 my bestfriend got hit by a car. I had a 8 month old baby sister (who i practically raised) - who at the age of 3 was diagnosed with ADHD severe anxiety and ODD (opposition difiant disorder)... again, i practically raised her.

Age 13 My grandmother died and shortly after i started having hallucinations -- that drove me bat shit crazy. And scared.

By age 15 we had moved 2 more times. I still suffered from hallucinations. I went to 2 different highschools, just to end back up at my origianl high school. I had my first boyfriend. By the end of this year, the hallucinations slowed down.

By age 17 my parents divorced. My dad moved 3 hours away. My mom got another boyfriend and moved in with him. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time.

By age 18 My boyfriend, at the time, and i got our own place. 2 months later i broke up with him. [cruel i know, but it was never planned and it just didnt woork between us (after 3.5 yrs)] A few months later i started dating my, now, boyfriend of 4 years, and moved in with him after 2 weeks. (lol, judge away--living arrangements with an ex didnt work well)

By age 19, i was pregnant.

By Age 20, i was a mother, and he was a father. We were a family.

By age 22 we now have our own place, a healthy beautiful almost-2-year-old. We're more in love than ever. And i couldnt be happier.

I'll add this, yanno, to make my story EVEN better: My dad was an emotional abusive professional. That man could seriously twist and manipulate shit so well. He had a drug problem. My mom, she has the biggest heart, shes emotional, & i'll admit there were times when she got physically mean (but that wasnt AS frowned upon back then), had extremely little patience and yells a lot. (I say "HAD" because as the years went on and my sister got older my mom sort of gave up trying to control her and being patient. She couldnt -- and can't-- control her. No one really can)
And me? I'm an emotional mess. A softy. Huge heart. Bubbly and a little too goofy, maybe even a bit immature. I easily feel guilty. I have little patience. I have anger issues. I can't help but think that im JUST like my mother --lo and behold, i feel guilty. Shouldn't i want to be like my mother? i love her so dearly. Shes the strongest woman ive ever seen! Her parenting however, i would rather not repeat.
But i have.

I am stuck. In a dark, desolate, lonely and shameful place. The last thing i want is for MY daughter to feel this way about herself or me. Sometimes i debate getting professional help, and there have been a number of times ive gotten so close. I just, don't.
Other than my family, there are only a handful of people who know everything. But there it is, World. You have it. My life in a nut shell.

THANKFUL FOR...The Giver

If i had to pick one book that changed it all for me, it would The Giver by Lois Lowry. 

When I first started reading this book I thought it was going to be really boring. But to my surprise after the first couple of chapters I wasn't able to put it down. Admittedly, i devoured it in a day! When I finished reading it, I was totally speechless. This is one of those books that i will never forget.

 One of the things that I liked the most about The Giver was that it lets us know how fortunate we are to live in the kind of world that we do. After reading that the elderly are sent to The House of The Old, I couldn't imagine ever not having my grandparents in my life. Learning that they didn't have love in their community saddened me. I can't even begin to wonder what life would really be like without it, weather its love for a child, sibling, parent, grandparent, or friend. It was depressing to think of myself in this "utopia" of a world. When I read that releasing people meant killing them it broke my heart knowing it involved killing innocent babies and children as well as other innocent people.

 At the end Jonas got to see the world for how it really is: colourful, filled with beautiful sights and sounds, families together. I thank you Lois Lowry for writing this book. Its easy to appreciate your own life so much more after reading this, and i am grateful for that.

This book came to me at a perfect time in my life; just after my grandmother had died. We never had a close realtionship when she was alive. She was pretty much an emotionless woman who seemed to not like to show love. After having read this book it became important to me, and a must, to appreciate all of my family and tell them how important they are, and how much they are loved as often as i can -- until you can't anymore.

This is an excellent book with a touching story, and will give you plenty to think about. Highly reccomended!

The Unbecoming Of Mara Dyer By: Michelle Hodkin

Mara Dyer doesn't think life can get any stranger than waking up in a hospital

with no memeory of how she got there.
It Can.

She believes there must be more to the accident she can't remember that killed

her friends and left her mysteriously unharmed.
There is.

She doesn't believe that after everything she's been through,

 she can fall in love.

She's wrong.

The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer is one heck of a psychological thrill ride. Hodkin truly shines in her outstanding debut. She keeps the circumstances of the stranger events mysterious enough to keep readers on the edges of their seats but doesn’t make them so vague that readers are annoyed by the constant uncertainty. Hodkin paces her delivery of information so well throughout the book to keep readers hooked.  This is the type of book that will make readers guess, doubt, reach conclusions, doubt again, and be really anxious for a sequel. With an addicting plot, numerous paranormal mysteries, and a very steamy romance, The Unbecoming of Mara Dyer is a psychological thriller that you won't want to pass up.

Time to Potty Train!

Just like the toddler bed, this too we have attempted before. I think we just gave up around the time when we tried getting her sleep in her toddler bed the first time. I have to say, the first time we started training she did amazingly well. We thought we were getting off too lucky. Here's the catch: After about 2-2 1/2 weeks of being pretty much fully potty trained at home, she decided she doesn't want to use the potty anymore. Accidents every day with fewer and fewer successful potty breaks. It was so discouraging. She was only around 18-19 months at the time and i just figured she was still a little too young and not fully ready. Maybe she wasn't.

For a few weeks now she has been showing signs of readiness but i continued to put it off as i was unmotivated to go through all the clean ups, reminders, and just plain old STRESS of potty training, AGAIN! We have a movie from Pull-Ups all about potty training and its great for parents as well as children. Every time after watching this dvd she would run into the washroom wanting to use the potty. She doesnt like diaper changes. And, one day out of no where, she stands in the bathroom doorway and calls out "mommy!! Pee! Potty!". I went to her quickly, asked her if she wanted to go. She nodded and i sat her on the potty. It was cute watching her "push" to get it out. After a minute she pooped! I couldn't beleive it!
Still, after this i didnt push the idea of potty training. I bought her a giant Sesame Street book thats all about Elmo and potty training. At bath time i take her diaper off and ask her to go pee, and she usually does go. So, instead of see-sawing back and forth any longer, i decided to just do it and get it done with. The weather is getting colder and the "stay-at-home" weather is coming, so what bettter of a time?
Yesterday was her first day diaper-free. She had accident after accident. Closer to the end of the day she peed in the potty a few time, then had an accident. Improvment.
The techniques we're using are simple and a little silly but they're fun! When accidents happen, we don't get mad or upset. I ask her to "stop peeing, lets go to your potty" in a nice voice. I can tell she does try to stop herself, and that muscle training is just as important as peeing in the potty itself. Sometimes she can stop and continue when we get to the potty, and sometimes she will have finished already. At one point she grabbed my hand and said "pee!", we went to the potty and she peed! This was indeed a reason to celebrate. We clapped, cheered, and mommy did a "Leah peed in the POTTY!" march, as well as some enthusiastic jumps for joy which she thought were hilarious. Afterwards, she got a sticker and half of a Halloween treat. (she gets stickers often so they are relatively boring to her) I told her that her rewards were for using the potty. At night time however, she still wears a diaper. One step at a time.

My little girl is embarking on a whole new adveture. She's already grown so fast from a baby to a toddler. Now that shes wearing "big girl" underwear and sleeping in a "big girl" bed, i can't help but think that one day soon im going to wake up and she'll actually be my "big girl".

Toddler Bed Transition

One can dream cant they? I've thought maybe this was going to be stressful on her at first being as we also just started potty training again, but since her bedtime routine isnt changing all that much, im confident she can do this! Also, her bed hasn't changed all that much since its still actually her crib, just without the railing, and toddler rails instead.

We've attempted this once before. About 3 months or so ago. The reason then was because she continued to push her knee through the bars and get it stuck. It was hard and painful for us to get it out. This transition didn't last long because we couldnt get her to stay in her bed (we found her in numerous locations throughout her room passed out) and she was waking up during the night.
This time around, the reason is she has leanred how to successfully climb out of her crib and it was becoming a safety concern. We have no choice but teach her to stay in her bed now.
Every night, just as i did before, we brush teeth, read stories and cuddle until she is completely ready and settled down enough to comfortably relax and fall asleep on her own in her bed. She is so excited every night to get into her bed that she would rather skip the cuddling and jump right in bed. I go along with it, kiss her, say goodnight and walk out. I wait outside of her door until i hear the sound of her pitter-pattering out of bed and heading for the door. Before she gets a chance to grab the door handle i open it, pick her up, kiss her and say "It's bedtime, you need to stay in your bed." while putting her back into bed. This will repeat about 8 times before she reconsiders the cuddling. lol. After 10 minutes of cuddling and rocking in the chair, she finally goes down without a hitch. If only it could be this easy when we started!
Shes on her second night in her toddler bed. For a couple weeks now, periodically, she won't take a nap. Sometimes it will be a late one on the couch, or a regular one at 11:30/noon, or like i said, not at all. But today, surprisingly, she climbed into her bed with her drink and her teddy and fell asleep for just over an hour. Without a diaper on, might i add.

Patience is key, and its important i keep telling myself that. So far, we have made a little improvment each night. Thats all i ask. We have no other choice but to make this work this time, no matter how hard it is.I do enjoy waking up to the sound of her little feet smacking against the floor, and opening my eyes to have a beautiful little face so close to me i can feel her breathing. Its bitter sweet.

Book Review: Miss Peregrine's Home For Peculiar Children

"Stars, too, were time travelers. How many of those ancient points were the last echos of suns now dead? How many had been born but their light not come this far? If all the suns but ours colapsed tonight, how many lifetimes would it take for us to realize that we were alone? I had always known the sky was full of mysteries--but not until now had i realized how full of them the earth was."

--(This is going to be a short book review just because its the first i've ever done lol)--
Debut novelist Ransom Riggs liberally sprinkles his book with a strange collection of authenitcally vintage and peculiar photos around which he has constructed his plot. You will find the photos either completely cool or kind of creepy, but either way they feed the book’s atmosphere and make it what it is. It was a thrilling book that i couldn't put down. I'm pretty sure this book is YA, but nontheless it is a fantastic book for anyone who craves a strange, and brilliantly advneture. 

I loved Ransom Riggs' take on time travel. The dark, and mysterious world in which the peculiars, ymbrynes, wights, and hollows, lived is amazing and is described in such realistic detail that it makes you feel as though you're apart of the story. It wasn't one of those books that only had a few interesting or "haul-you-in" moments. Every chapter draws you in and has you on the edge of your seat wanting more.

The ending is sort of a cliff hanger because it leaves you with many unanswered questions, and just wanting to know what happens next.

This is a book i can, and will read over  and over again. I strongly recommened it, if you are contemplating it, dont, just go get it!



Our Profession as Parents

I've been doing some thinking lately. More specifically, contemplating the differences in our "profession" as parents. A while ago, i decided i would start practising the ways of Attachment Parenting. And this entry is in no way, shape or form bashing those who follow this way of parenting, but I have to say, its not completely for us. 
I put her on time outs, it works for us. I lose my temper, on a daily basis actually (I have a 22 month old high maintenance diva on my hands). I sometimes ignore her. Stuff just needs to get done at some point, and her unrealistic wants coupled with her reprehensible emotional melt downs make my stomach turn but, i am just incapable of giving her EVERYTHING she wants. When she has a temper tantrum i sometimes ignore her. 

There are many "techniques" i guess you can call them, that i do with Leah considered to be Attachment Parenting. Recently, i started wearing her in a ring sling. And that works great for us, and i love it. When it comes to sleep, i refuse to let her cry it out. We read stories, talk, and sing while cuddling and rocking in the rocking chair. Some nights it is difficult to get her to settle down but i dont expect perfect bedtimes at this age. I do try my hardest to get to her level and listen to what she wants or needs before determining weather or not its do-able. I can't prevent every melt down or temper tantrum.  

There are many ways of parenting out there but this is one that i did a lot of reading up on, and tried to practise. Some people believe in the cry it out method, others don't. Some lay down with their children, or co-sleep. Some try the Ferber Method (which i have). Some get blessed with children who don't need any help sleeping or schedualing. There are tons of theories out there discussing how you "should" go about it. From discipline to sharing, sleep training to feeding. You could do research for 20 years and still come across more theories. The list is literally endless. Because there is no "perfect way", because there is no perfect parent or perfect child. The right way is your way.  

I support those who do follow the way of attachment parenting just as much as i support those who don't follow it. Sometimes you just have to parent the best way you can! As long as your doing that, and at the end of the day you have a happy child who loves you unconditionally, and you them, then your a "professional at your profession".

Keep smiling, you can't slow this down and before you know it your babies will have babies.

The Best Years

Today we took Leah to the pumpkin patch, just a little ways out of town. It also happened to be my birthday! I was surprised, and kind of irritated at how for one - it was so busy, and two - it was freezing! I was excited that another babywearing opportunity presented itself. I saw SO many moms and dads wearing their babies in all sorts of different carries! It made me happy to be able to still wear her even though she was the oldest child i seen being worn. Infact, it wasn't mommy, but daddy who wore her today. I think he enjoyed it.

We started our day at the pumpkin patch with a pony ride. Had i of known what would have happened after, i would never of put her on it, well... maybe i would of. She loved it so much that a 20 minute melt down followed. I've never gotten so many looks and stares in my life. Like, you've never seen a baby cry before? Give me a break! Hey, pregnant lady, don't look at me and judge! You got ANOTHER one on the way, you'll have your "fun"! And, Family with the 2 kids -- stop staring and pretending like your not. Grow up, i know you've been through this.

Get over it people. Your at a FAMILY pumpkin patch farm, there's going to be children having melt downs! (i just wish it didnt have to be mine *sigh*) To be clear, the reason for me being so cold is because i can tell the difference between sympathetic looks, annoyance, and just judgmental looks. There was no empathy.

The tractor (FINALLY) showed up, and Leah got quiet and happy to be getting on another ride. She enjoyed herself and kepy saying "WOW" over every bump. The hay ride stopped in a pumpkin feild fo us to pick a pumpkin. We just picked a small one for Leah. It was nice to cuddle in the cold and enjoy a nice hay ride.

These experiences are memories being made. I will look back one day and remember how stressed out i was when i couldnt get her to stop crying, along with all of the looks, but that will be just a shade of gray compared to the colourful, glowing memory of my beautiful baby girl smiling her biggest smile while enjoying a nice pony ride!

_________________________________________________________

Once bedtime rolled around i noticed just how tired Daddy and i were! He was falling asleep on the couch, and i could have fallen asleep too. I thought "ohhh, i wonder if he'll do bedtime tonight". And as i thought of it some more and the small possibilty that he would (only because she chooses me over him when im home lol) part of me said "NO, i want to do it!" And thats all the motivation i needed. I got up, got her dressed, gave her some milk and read a few stories while she drank. We grabbed a blanket and cuddled and rocked in the rocking chair. This is probably my favorite thing. She rarely sits and cuddles with me this long while doing nothing, during the day. So too have this, and to look down at her, kiss her head, squeeze her, cuddle her, and love her... is the best feeling ever, and i cherish it with all my heart. There are nights i wish she would hurry up and go to sleep, but thats just me having a "parent temper-tantrum", i need SOME mommy time! But, deep down there's nothing i would change.
I know for a fact that my SIL, as well as many others would have something to say about me STILL rocking my 22 month-old to sleep. So what!? She enjoys it, i enjoy it, daddy even enjoys it when he gets to do bedtime. Its not a chore for us, its a privaledge. Go ahead, say "she's always going to want you to rock her!" or "It's going to take you forever to get her out of that habit". So, your telling me, im going to be rocking my daughter when shes 15 years old? 8 years old? No, most likely not. I would say that by the time she is no older than 3, shes not going to want to be rocked any more. Children don't want you around forever. So why not cherrish and hold this moment for as long as you can? She just wants her mommy now. And guess what? Her mommy is okay with that, because her mommy wants her too. I understand that some parents just don't have the time to sit and rock each child to sleep. But i do, i have nothing better to do anyways.

We won't ever get these days, months, or years back ever again, they're gone forever. This is why every moment is so important, and we have to hold onto every precious memory and enjoy even the stressful times. One day you'll wake up and she'll be all grown up with her own children. Just like that, in a blink of the eye.
These are the best days of our lives.

Out With The Old

Its time to start cleaning out! We have tons of baby stuff that we're not using, and the money we get from selling, we've decided to put towards christmas presents for Leah.
As i was cleaning the baby furniture/items to be sold, i started to feel relieved that we will finally have some extra space around here. Space that can be used to store other junk we got lying around, obviously. Its interesting that as much as you clean, tidy, organize... you will never really, ever rid yourself of those irritating, counter hogging, little nik-naks! Be it chapstick, bank cards, dollar store junk, papers, keys, toys ect. (yes, thats what a corner of my counter is usually always occupied by) it never actually gets put away or thrown out before more starts piling up!

I cleaned and took pictures of 4 things; our highchair, infant/toddler rocker, exersaucer, and Leah's last year's halloween costume, a strawberry.

 I posted all 4 ads online. within an hour i had 2 replys. One for the costume and the other for the infant/toddler rocker. I ended up backing out on the rocker chair. I had only posted it for $20, it doesn't take up a lot of room, and technically she can still use it. Plus, it has more sentimental value than any of our other baby furniture. This is where she slept for her first 2-3 months on and off, sometimes of a week straight. She enjoyed laying next to my bed, as did i. It was a life saver and so convenient to rock her back to sleep when mama definetly needed her sleep! It almost brought a tear to my eye. And that was that, my mind was made up and i was't getting rid of it. 

In a way, getting rid of these things makes me feel like we won't be having another child for 3-5 years. From DH's perspective, im sure he'd think that that's perfect!

It makes me sad for some reason, a reason thats hard to explain. I mean, i know that just because we're selling these things now doesnt mean a year from now we can't have another baby. Baby stuff is expensive but there's things we buy for our babies that dont get used until their over 6 months.
Maybe, i feel like im getting rid of something that's not mine? I don't know. I want more kids, at least one more.

Tomorrow, im putting up a few more ads. I'll be selling my diaper genie, car seat bunting bag, travel booster, swing, and play mat. Wish me luck!

-M.

Thursday Can't Come & Go Fast Enough

I've been able to keep this out of my mine pretty easily up until now. Life has been busy lately, and it was only today that i realized just how close the 20th is. Its this Thursday, 4 days away, 2 days before my birthday!

This Thursday, my Nanny is going in for a hip-replacement surgery. I talked to her about a week and a half ago and she said "i didn't know, but there is more to this surgery than i realized. Im going to need a lot of help for a while, and not able to move much for 6 weeks." I could tell she was nervous. It broke my heart and i didn't know what to say. I reassured her that luckily, my mom will be flying in to help her for 6 weeks. Im so happy my mom is able to make it down to see her and be there. Otherwise i would do it in a heart beat.

Last night, i had a dream about her. She was scared. She got in the car with my grandad and as they started to drive away to the hospital, ei could hear her crying so loudly that i heard it from the house. I was sobbing in my dream, and woke up heartbroken.

I would have called her today but it was really busy again. Tomorrow i will call her, talk to her, hopefully comfort her. She's one of the most important women in my life. She's basically another mother to me. We've always been so close. I can't help but to feel her fear, nervousness, and anxieties - even if she somehow isn't feeling it, i am.

I love my Nanny so much. She's an incredible, beautiful, sweet person. I am so lucky and blessed to have her in my life. She holds a huge place in my heart.

It breaks my heart more that i can't be there with her.

As i lay here, tossing and turning, eyes watering, tired but unable to sleep - somehow this has helped me numb the worry.
Unfortunately, Im sure the rest of the week is going to play out much like tonight. Thursday can't come and go fast enough.

How The BWing Journey Is Going

It might seem crazy to some people that i just recently started to wear my almost-22-month-old daughter. For me, its been a chance to bond in a way we hadn't been able to before. The time she spends in her sling is a whole new learning experience. She sees things from a different perspective and is more alert and observant. Sometimes she spots things like squirrels and other animals even before me! We can easily communicate with eachother, and let me tell you, this does make a difference. Communicating and keeping the attention of a toddler is always a task.

She even asks to go in her sling (by pointing), which by the way is shocking considering shes so independant nowadays. While walking she doesn't even like to hold a hand, so the fact that she can be up with me for over a half hour without whining or complaining is pretty much miraculous!

Yesterday we went for a walk to the library, which is about a 15 min walk one way wearing the sling (since i dont walk as fast while wearing her). It was a drizzly, cool afternoon, and i decided to wear one-inch heels anyways (what was i thinking?!). It was our first long trip in the ring sling. We got many looks and stares my passing cars and other pedestrians. It didnt bother me the least. In fact, it made me even more confident, like "look what im doing!". Someone yelled something out their truck window at me but i wasnt able to pick it out, so i just shrugged it off and took it as some sort of "compliment" lol. Well, maybe it was the fact that i had stickers on my face... meh! Who knows! 

We had a great time! She didnt ask to get down once. I even stopped to talk to a pregnant woman that lives in my building, shes due on the 25th! She asked how i liked the ring sling, and it made me very happy to talk about it and encourage it!

I couldn't believe it! Leah said a new word yesterday while we were walking. Not just any word, a hard one, a two-syllable one! She said "Ousiiiide" (outside)!! She makes me smile every day.
We got home and apparently, a 40 min walk in her sling was just not enough for my sling-addict child! She cried and tried to get me to put it back on, pulled on the door handle while yelling "Ouusiiiide, Ousiiide!!". My heels were pretty chewed up but luckily, i didnt realize until i took them off.

 On another note, its been great carrying around some extra weight and burning extra calories without even using my arms!
We love it and the new babywearig journey is going amazingly!

-M.

A Taste of what Could Have Been

Without a doubt, there are days i sit and wonder what things would have been like had L not come along. Its not like before her we had lives. lol We didnt really. Most days were spent being lovie-dovie, watching movies, & going on mini dates. He used to be a partier. Me, not so much. We lived with his dad, rent free, worry free. 

We moved here, on our own about 8 months ago, so we don't know anyone. I started work about 2 months ago, and i just started to meet some people actually living here. A  few nights ago i was asked  to go out to a house party. (Please Note: I've only ever been to 2 house parties in my life, & they were NOTHING like this one!) I wont say much, but i did have a good time talking and seeing a new friend. It was nice to get out and socialize with other people. They just wouldn't of been my first choice of people, but it was an experience in itself lol.

Some people say that they would never have a child now, because they wouldnt have a life. But thats the point. They are your life. Say what you want but i would prefer spending the day with my daughter cuddled on the couch or having tea parties with her stuffed animals than going out and making a fool of myself partying it up. I definetly thought of L pretty much the entire time, and even talked about her (maybe a little too much) lol. Does that make me crazy? I spent a lot time there thinking about how this is "what could have been".

 

I will admit there are the few times i think about how easy everything would be if i was a childless, worry-free woman. But i almost always end that thought by looking at my sweet, crazy, beautiful little baby (whose not really a baby anymore) just smiling and knowing this is Gods plan. If we had been more "careful" then the child we would have had down the road would not have been our Leah, and she is so very special. Neither of us would take it back or do anything different, no matter how hard things have been.

 

Theres not a day that goes by that im not thankful for my daughter. She is the air i breathe. I live for her. Being a mother at my age definitely isnt for everyone. But since the beginning, i knew this was what i was meant to be.

Babywearing -- Better Late Than Never

My daughter, Leah, is almost 22 months. I know its late to be starting to wear her, but ive read tons and watched tons. I know there is still lots for us to benefit from by wearing her as a toddler. Im hoping this will be a whole new bonding experience for the both of us, and even Daddy, as we didnt have the chance to bond this way before.

I know many people think, or will think "She can walk, why do you still carry her?!" or "Why did you bother buying one now? Your not going to get much use out of it."

Well, for one... yes, i know she can walk but she is still really little and she does get tired from walking at some point. She's small for her age, but that doesnt stop her or hold her back in any way.

Two; she LOVES being up in my arms. No matter if im sweeping, cooking, doing laundry, or just walking to get the flyers in the lobby. Why would i deny her of this?

Three; its much more convenient than a stroller. I mean, yes... there is a time for a stroller and the three of us love having one and going for walks. But it cant get more convenient than ssticking the sling in our diaper bag and be able to have all of our needs met while still being hands free!

Lastly, to us its not a waste of money. I plan on wearing her until she no longer wants to be worn, or i physically cant anymore. But like i said, she is still SO little.  

Today i woke up to a great surprise sitting on the kitchen counter; my ring sling came in the mail!! 

I tried it on right away and practiced with a baby-sized teddy baby. After a few attempts at getting her in and getting both of us comfortable, i decided to go do laundry. I walked downstairs to the laundry room, then back up again, all the while carrying her in the ring sling. She absolutley loved it! She asked to go outside, and so we did for aboutt 20 minutes just walking around, trying out our new sling. 

There's a local Thanksgiving Day parade coming up on Monday, so this package could not have come at a better time! What a great time to try it out publicly!

Nightmares or Night Terrors??

Its just that, except i think the name is geared more towards parents than the child. Possibly the scariest thing to witness.

Where do i start?...

This night time waking was happening quite a bit; she'd wake up fussing, whining, whimpering. By the time i was out of bed it was crying. By the time i opened her door it was screaming. As i reasched her crib screaming turned to screaming, crying, blood curdling whaling! Eyes open, sitting straight up she sees me and throws herself down into her bed screaming louder. I try to calm her but rubbing her back, she fights and resists. Atempt to give her some milk, the swats and it and throws it, still screaming. Then i try to pick her up and she almosts flies out of my arms and throws her self around her bed until she has her head burried into her pillow off to the corner. This whole time shes crying out "Mommy! Mommy!! Mommeeeeee!!" & i keep saying "Im here Leah, Mommy is here. Its ok!" But its like she cant hear me, & shes just so completely confused- she doesnt know what she wants. At this point i didnt know what else to do but to walk out. The screaming continues, and gets louder. I cant take it. Its only a min, if that, and im back in there trying to comfort her somehow. Eventually i force her to come with me in my arms. I sit in the rocking chair with her and hug her while she continues screaming and crying. Finally, my patients are wearing thin and i kinda lose it. I raise my voice and say "Leah!! Thats enough, stop! Tell mommy whats wrong." (She doesnt usually tell me- per say but she almost always points to what she wants). She stops crying for just a moment. 5 seconds comes to an end and its screaming again and now pointing out the door. I say "Do you want to go out?" She screams even louder! Occasionally i will take her out of the room and walk around with her in my arms. It never goes well when i sit back down again, whether it be in her room or mine.
Some nights i rock with her until she goes back to sleep, other nights i bring her to our bed. Both times thative brought her to our bed, Matt has left and went to sleep on the couch since he gets up early for work. So its just the two of us. She lays around, stares around, for SO long! I'm talkin 90min- 2 hours! Neither of us get much sleep on these nights.
Its just come to attention that this could possibly be night terrors, so im not completely sure what could be triggering it, if this is what it is.
Two days ago she had a nap at 2:30-4:45. She usually naps at 1-3(:30). I knew she wasnt going to be tired when bedtime rolled around but i wanted to stick to her routine, so i started her bed time routine at 8. We brrushed teeth, had milk during stories, said prayers, say a few songs then just rocked for a while. A long while. 30 minutes passed by and she was still wide eyed looking around. I continued to rock her for another 15-20 minutes. She was still wide awake, but laying in my arms and cuddling comfortably, occassionally sitting up then laying down again. After an hour of rocking her i stood up and put her in her bed. She started to cry. (No, im not too happy that i had to let her cry for ten minutes but i had to BREATHE! I wasbeyond frustrated and i didnt want to take it out on her) --(Que argument with Matt [thats another story])-- Ten minutes passed and i went back in. Rocked her somemore and she finally was tired enough to let me put her in bed about 15-20 minutes later.
This was the last night that she woke up with what i believe to be a night terror! So, im thinking... forced sleep may be the cause?

Sister-in-law's son had night terrors for a short period. (At least thats what she called it, i think he just  bad night mares) She told me that Leah was too young for Night terrors. I did some reading and some research. Turns out, shes not too young. Night terrors can start as early as 18 months & ive even heard of some cases even younger!

Last night it took about 45-60min to get her into bed. But she did NOT wake up.

I'm really looking for some feedback here so if you have any advice or if you can tell me weather you think this is night terrors or nightmares, i would greatly appreciate it! If there is something i should be doing to help prevent this, please let me know! I don't mind waking up to comfort her, but when she wont let me? Thats frustrating, and heartbreaking.

Babywearing A Toddler

Right from the beginning, I've always wanted to wear my daughter. Why i didnt is completely beyond me. I practiced in prenatal classes and looked for one at different stores. I wanted the wrap! Had i had twitter at the time i think it would have been more exposed to online shops or even making my own! Having twitter has opened my eyes to a whole new light. Just because my Leah is 20 months old now, i dont think thats any reason for me not to start. I mean, its better late then never right?

I want a ring sling now, since i think that would be best for a toddler, and it makes me happy that i can wear her until she is about 35lbs! Meaning i will still have at least a year and a half of wearing her! Its been on my mind more now that i have been reading more about attatchment parenting and practising it! I feel this would help me to connect better with her, and have a bond that were weren't able to have before, and obviously help to establish a better mindframe of this attatchment parenting method!

What really just pushed me and inspired me to just go for it was a blog post i read of a story similar to mine. I can't wait to start! I'm ordering a Ring Sling online on Monday!! I hope it comes quickly!! Leah loves so much to be up with me ALL the time. I dont know why i havent done this before. It'll be so much more convenient!

A Single Night of Co-Sleeping

I don't know what it is, but sometimes Leah will wake up at night crying, screaming even! I go in and she doesnt even want to touched, let alone picked up. It kind of scares me; i dont know whats wrong and shes hysterically crying, and wont let me do anything! I actually had to leave (which brought on even worse crying) and came back in less than a minute later. THEN she was ready to be picked up. She seemed almost scared. I just hope this isnt night terrors! She pointed to the door so i went out and she said "Dada?" in her sweet, groggy, sobbing voice. I brought her into Daddy and he was so happy that she asked for him. Daddy decided to sleep on the couch so Leah could sleep with me. (He gets up really early for work) I think she was probably up for an hour and a half just sitting around, laying down-wide awake, or playing with my hair. Co-Sleeping is something shes not used to (mostly because she cant sleep, and would rather play), but she eventually backed up into me, grabbed my arms and wrapped it around her.

My heart melted then.

I passed out. Im guessing shortly after she did too. But i woke up at one point and she had a handful of my hair, tangled into her hand. Silly girl!

She woke up at 7:30 am, which im not used to since she usually waked up at 8:30. Plus i was really hoping she would sleep in since she was up for a while!

I have to work this evening, so im pretty sad i cant take her to the park again.

We'll have to go before work! :)

-M.

An Awesome Day

Today i realized how quickly a child can learn! She is really trying to talk  these days. Almost every word i asked her to say, she atleast tried. I asked her to say GREEN, she said "Gwee"! I LOVE hearing her little voice. Im probably being biased but i love little girl voices :P

Im really striving to full-on use the Attatchment Parenting Method. Its coming along great! I Feel like we have a closer bond. Ive even seen a difference with her around her daddy too. She really loves playing with him! Actually, she loves playing in general.

I don't jump everytime she gets hurt because really, she doesnt make a big deal out of it herself. Sometime she will scrape her arm on something and she'll say "ouch!" she'll hold it, scrunch up her face, lightly close her eyes and pretend to "whine" a little while walking towards me. I don't deny her feel-better-kisses. It comforts her and makes me feel important.

I have to say, she was really well-behaved today. Im impressed and proud of her. I recently looked in her mouth while brushing and found 3 more MOLARS!! This girl is a champ! Seriously, she got her first tooth at 5.5 months old and had ALL of them besides molars before she turned one! Now shes got ALL of her two-year molars and didnt even break a sweat!

Bedtime did take a little longer than normal but its the first time in 5 or so days its taken that long. And im pleased to say, there was no crying :) She must have just been restless. She fell asleep while i was rocking her and lightly scratching her back. she woke up briefly and pointed to her bed very groggy. I put her in and she was out. This is what i call success!

I work tomorrow night, so im a little worried that she might have a hard time with Daddy at bedtime. He usually does fine, so im not overly worried though.

<3

-M.

A Better Way

Lately, I've been looking into Attachment Parenting. I know is a bit late, but better late than never.

While doing some reading though, i did realize that i already do some of these things. But there was a lot i didn't do.

For a while now I've been desperately reading and doing some trial and error to find what will work best for us in terms of discipline, coddling, and bedtime.

 As you know, from my previous post; I've learned my lesson. I WILL NOT allow her to "cry it out". I can't even express how terrible i STILL feel about that. Instead, i rock with her a little longer until she is completely ready to go to bed. The extra cuddles are nice. And i don't want to wish this away too quickly.

She absolutely loves to be with me; in my arms, snuggling, holding my hand, she even prefers me pushing her stroller over Daddy. Lol. In the morning, it has to be me who gets her out of bed, otherwise we have an apocalyptic melt down on our hands. Its hard on daddy sometimes- frustrating and upsetting. But he will have his moment in the spotlight. Until then, Im soaking up the love and attention i get. One day i will wake up and she'll be 20.

 I've also been trying to spend more one-on-one time with her. Its one thing to be in the same room & watching a movie without communicating. Its another, and way more beneficial and satisfying to interact with each other, & have complete focus.

Its just our third day trying this. Last night Leah said "ewow" for yellow, and "powpow" for purple. Today she is realizing how many things in our house, especially her room- are yellow and purple.

 I absolutely adore this age. She is so full of wonder and learning so quickly!

I was worried she may have a speech delay. She says a lot of words like (go, no, eye, hat, woof, what's that, juice, cheesie) and other simple little words but she does A LOT of pointing and moaning at things. And that's the way she prefers to communicate with us over trying to talk. But I've noticed a change in her already since i started to really sit down and have "conversations" with her. She rambles on about stuff in her own little language, and that makes me smile.

Paying close attention to her needs or wants and seeing things the way she does, getting to her level, and approaching her differently are all things i plan to either do, or change. I won't go back to doing things as i did before.

Now, to inform DH how things are going to be around here from now on ;)

 Leah, I will love you every single day of forever.

 -M.

Never Again!

Dear Leah,

Tonight, i am not proud of myself as a mother. TONIGHT, you can call me a bad mother.

Never again will i let you “cry it out” to go to sleep. You are a big girl, I know. Four months away from being TWO! But if its cuddles you want to help you get into your sleepy, relaxed mood to go to sleep- then so be it. That being said, its no hard task to do- i love cuddling. Its just, when putting you into bed takes an hour or more i get a little impatient, especially after which you are still gazing up at me with those big blues.

Tonight we sat together in your rocking chair for a little while i sang “You Are My Sunshine” to you a bunch of times. Then i put you in your bed. Instantly you cried, but i walked out. You usually go to sleep. Tonight, you didn’t. 40 minutes later you were still screaming. I thought you were just being stubborn (you can be)! The next 15 min you were “dozing off”, i could tell. Your cries would stop. Then start up again.

Finally, i decided to go to you. I opened the door and you were standing. I looked a little closer- your leg was stuck between the bars again! That WHOLE time you were “dozing off” standing up! Like i said, not a proud moment for me.

Never Again. Im so sorry.

After i freed your leg, i picked you up, grabbed your blanket and your favorite teddy “dreamy bear” and cuddled you in the rocking chair. We just stared at each other for the longest time. I smiled, and you smiled right back at me.

This broke my heart.

Call me a bad mother, tonight. Because it won’t happen again. That i can promise.

This takes a lot for me to admit to this- but maybe, this will help someone out there who is wondering if they should try the “cry-it-out” method. Coming from someone who has who has experienced it- it may work when they are really small, but if it causes you as much heart break as it clearly causes them, then just do what you think is right. Rock them, hold them, lay with them etc. They are only babies for so long. In the end, it might never work anyways. Then you both went through heart ache for nothing.

Keep your babies close, hug them, kiss them, cuddle them, and love them. They are only this small for such a short time. One day they won’t want you around anymore at bedtime. Let that day come on its own.

Baby girl,
I will love you every single day of forever. Xo

-Mommy