The Good, The Bad, The Ugly -- My Life in a Nut Shell

I don't pretend to have the best life. I don't.

I am so fortunate for my hardworking, loving boyfriend as well as my beautiful, one of a kind daughter. Life without either of them is unimaginable.

Life before either of them however, was no where near pretty. I know people experience worse. But I can't say its something easily forgotten. Also, i HATE using it as an excuse as to why i'm the way i am but really, i can find any other understandable reasoning. 

Here is my brief life story.

By age 5 we had moved 3 times. I went to 2 different schools. My parents seperated. My mom and i moved from one end of the country to the very opposite. 

By age 8 I had gone to 6 more different schools. My mom had a new boyfriend. We moved from One end of the country back to the other end. I had a dog for 3 months (whom i loved so very much). My mom and her boyfriend broke up. We moved from one end of the country to the central region. My mom and dad got back together.
By age 10 my bestfriend got hit by a car. I had a 8 month old baby sister (who i practically raised) - who at the age of 3 was diagnosed with ADHD severe anxiety and ODD (opposition difiant disorder)... again, i practically raised her.

Age 13 My grandmother died and shortly after i started having hallucinations -- that drove me bat shit crazy. And scared.

By age 15 we had moved 2 more times. I still suffered from hallucinations. I went to 2 different highschools, just to end back up at my origianl high school. I had my first boyfriend. By the end of this year, the hallucinations slowed down.

By age 17 my parents divorced. My dad moved 3 hours away. My mom got another boyfriend and moved in with him. I moved in with my boyfriend at the time.

By age 18 My boyfriend, at the time, and i got our own place. 2 months later i broke up with him. [cruel i know, but it was never planned and it just didnt woork between us (after 3.5 yrs)] A few months later i started dating my, now, boyfriend of 4 years, and moved in with him after 2 weeks. (lol, judge away--living arrangements with an ex didnt work well)

By age 19, i was pregnant.

By Age 20, i was a mother, and he was a father. We were a family.

By age 22 we now have our own place, a healthy beautiful almost-2-year-old. We're more in love than ever. And i couldnt be happier.

I'll add this, yanno, to make my story EVEN better: My dad was an emotional abusive professional. That man could seriously twist and manipulate shit so well. He had a drug problem. My mom, she has the biggest heart, shes emotional, & i'll admit there were times when she got physically mean (but that wasnt AS frowned upon back then), had extremely little patience and yells a lot. (I say "HAD" because as the years went on and my sister got older my mom sort of gave up trying to control her and being patient. She couldnt -- and can't-- control her. No one really can)
And me? I'm an emotional mess. A softy. Huge heart. Bubbly and a little too goofy, maybe even a bit immature. I easily feel guilty. I have little patience. I have anger issues. I can't help but think that im JUST like my mother --lo and behold, i feel guilty. Shouldn't i want to be like my mother? i love her so dearly. Shes the strongest woman ive ever seen! Her parenting however, i would rather not repeat.
But i have.

I am stuck. In a dark, desolate, lonely and shameful place. The last thing i want is for MY daughter to feel this way about herself or me. Sometimes i debate getting professional help, and there have been a number of times ive gotten so close. I just, don't.
Other than my family, there are only a handful of people who know everything. But there it is, World. You have it. My life in a nut shell.