Never Again!

Dear Leah,

Tonight, i am not proud of myself as a mother. TONIGHT, you can call me a bad mother.

Never again will i let you “cry it out” to go to sleep. You are a big girl, I know. Four months away from being TWO! But if its cuddles you want to help you get into your sleepy, relaxed mood to go to sleep- then so be it. That being said, its no hard task to do- i love cuddling. Its just, when putting you into bed takes an hour or more i get a little impatient, especially after which you are still gazing up at me with those big blues.

Tonight we sat together in your rocking chair for a little while i sang “You Are My Sunshine” to you a bunch of times. Then i put you in your bed. Instantly you cried, but i walked out. You usually go to sleep. Tonight, you didn’t. 40 minutes later you were still screaming. I thought you were just being stubborn (you can be)! The next 15 min you were “dozing off”, i could tell. Your cries would stop. Then start up again.

Finally, i decided to go to you. I opened the door and you were standing. I looked a little closer- your leg was stuck between the bars again! That WHOLE time you were “dozing off” standing up! Like i said, not a proud moment for me.

Never Again. Im so sorry.

After i freed your leg, i picked you up, grabbed your blanket and your favorite teddy “dreamy bear” and cuddled you in the rocking chair. We just stared at each other for the longest time. I smiled, and you smiled right back at me.

This broke my heart.

Call me a bad mother, tonight. Because it won’t happen again. That i can promise.

This takes a lot for me to admit to this- but maybe, this will help someone out there who is wondering if they should try the “cry-it-out” method. Coming from someone who has who has experienced it- it may work when they are really small, but if it causes you as much heart break as it clearly causes them, then just do what you think is right. Rock them, hold them, lay with them etc. They are only babies for so long. In the end, it might never work anyways. Then you both went through heart ache for nothing.

Keep your babies close, hug them, kiss them, cuddle them, and love them. They are only this small for such a short time. One day they won’t want you around anymore at bedtime. Let that day come on its own.

Baby girl,
I will love you every single day of forever. Xo

-Mommy