The Gist of It. Somewhat of a Catch-up.

Where do i begin? I've been gone for a month pretty much, or maybe longer. A lot has happened. I feel like i have changed, my LIFE has changed so much in this past month that im starting to get that homesick feeling. Dont ask why. I dont know. 

Id like to make this brief but explain too because what i really need is to get this out, off my chest. And maybe, possibly, some words of wisdom, or any helpful advice. 

Ive been on something of a spiritual jouney, in case you weren't aware. And im not finished. I continue to be amazed and learn new things about myself. But its my newly, rekindled relationship with the Lord that has gotten me through and made things much easier to deal with since the depression started. I feel new, loved, guided, i feel inspired and uplifted...most times. In a way i feel almost... reborn, into my christianity. 

Let me just say, Matt believes but no where near as strongly as i do. He works every Sunday so he doesnt attend church with us. He says if not for that then he would come with us. And you know, i dont expect him to be as faith driven as i am. Because only two months ago i lived a "yes, i believe in God, ill go to church ONE day, but not now....say my prayers ebery night with leah..." in a very non chalant kind of way, life. Get what im saying? Ive talked to him about the changes im going through, and how i feel myself changing into a very different person than the one he fell in love with. He told me that he will support me in whatever it is i want. As long as i didnt preach to him...(in his words: " Jesus wouldnt want that or God would not approve")... or become one of "those crazy christians" meaning i talk about Jesus and God 24/7. I was thankful for his support, but the conversation ended in some frustration on my part. 

So, since my whole spiritul journey, i will admit, a lot of faith related things have come into this house. Wall decor, a cd, bibles have come out, ive started two bible study groups, not to mention there's been a lot of talk about it. 

And when i look at it this way, i guess i can sense the overwhelming feelings, and i suppose i understand the recent "cold shoulder" if you will. 

I just feel torn, and ive started questioning some things. I feel like he is judging me and almost....not liking this different person i feel like im becoming. 

I love him. i love my family. i want stability for Leah. 

And so...im just torn. And confused. 

Thats all.... 

This is real life

I'm going to be completely honest. Before, I didn't think depression was as bad as people says it is. Always figured it was just people playing it up for attention. Don't get me wrong, I never said anything bad or unsupportive to someone who had depression. Nor did I ignore them. Its just the way I thought. My sister in law suffers from on going depression and my very good friend is also currently taking anti depressants.
It wasn't until I was diagnosed with depression that it became real. And maybe even a little worse at times. I mean, your so thankful for the help and treatment and the knowledge that hey, you will get better. But, also, the knowledge that there is something wrong with you. You need medication to be "normal", is sort of a bummer. I'm thankful, though, that this is just a "temporary me", I'm not actually this messed up. I'm just...not the real me, not well at the moment. And thats a relief. I should of seen this coming, and maybe I did. Or maybe I've had this longer than I thought.

I really hate being that whiney, cranky girl who never has anything good to say, or the negative attention seeking person who hates her life (which i dont). Im really not trying to get pitty or attention. Most of the time im just looking for a "i totally get it" or something along those lines. To know that THIS is normal. And im not really all that psycho. I am so thankful for all the support from friends I have in the twitter world. Without you I would be alone, and lost. Seriously. I love you. Your amazing people.

One day i will be that person with the happy life, everything going good, no worries, no troubles. I've put my trust in God, and I know He will help get me through this. But that doesn't mean its been easier on me. I know this is real life, and these things things happen. Its apart of my life now, apart of me...and I have to be okay with that.

Diagnosed

I don't think I have to explain why and how life has been crazy lately. Well, beyond crazy actually. Almost unbearable. If you've read any posts I've written this month you'll just know. Things aren't ever a "walk in the park" for us.
Sometime in high school it clicked to me that..."damn girl! You ALWAYS learn the hard way! Always biting off more than you can chew! Always making the wrong decisions!"
And honestly? Those sayings still stand today. Why?!!! I've been asking myself this over and over and OVER!

Lately, I've really tried to dig deep into my faith and pull it out. I recently finished reading The Vow, and I honestly don't think it could have come into my hands at a better time. I felt like it really spoke to me. Like REALLY. It made me bawl. Well, most things do these days.... Anyways, I realized how far I've wandered away from the Lord. I cried over that, cried to Him, cried about everything, ha. But seriously. I did. I wrote my prayers in a journal, speaking very specifically to Him. I'm ready to put my trust in Him again. Let Him lead me.

These last few weeks have been HARD. Really HARD. Ive been pretty absent in the Twitter and facebook department.
It scared me how different ive been feeling, how un-me i felt. How...well, worthless and pathetic. Incompetant. Unworthy. You name it, i felt it. Every shower resulted in me at the bottom, head in my hands, sulking. Brutal. Ugly. I feel dragged down, exhausted, drained, empty. It took a lot of breakdowns, crying, yelling, etc. But today I decided to go see a doctor about it.

Depression.

Antidepressants.
--apparently the more "natural kind" which also happens to not be addictive. I was given lots of information from the doctor and pharmacist. It'll probably be 3 weeks until it starts kicking in.

So, here's to THIS chapter of my life.

*cheers* (or not, since...you know, I don't drink...)

:)

P.s. I don't mean to give you sob stories in hope for pitty. Because, honestly? I don't want your pitty. I don't know what I want. Sleep maybe. And a vacation. More sleep. Chocolate. Yeah....that.

The story behind it. Eviction.

I swear, by the time I'm 30, my life better not have this much drama. Actually, if it doesn't I'll probably be bored to death, since its always something going on, because even now...well, we've been evicted. Yep. I was so upset at first. Before even got the notice. Because I didn't KNOW. Didn't know my rights. But now? I'm stressed, yes, but I'm anxious to prove this asshole is...well, an asshole. Pull up a seat, grab some popcorn and a coffee. This will be a good one:

We pay our rent, clean up after ourselves, are quiet (well, as quite as it gets with a 2 year old), we actually care about our place - unlike so many people here, and we have a puppy - like SO many others here have animals.
But why did WE get an eviction notice? Well, because we complained so much about their half ass flooring jobs and incompetent maintenece men. I moved in here and the basement, spare room, and living room all needed replacement due to cat pee and poop and spray smells. It was horrific. They did the basement about a week and a half after we moved in. But left the carpet ripped up for another week and a half. After this, I guess they figured they could save themselves some money and just do a spray treatment on it and all would be good. Wrong. They did two treatments in the spare room and one in the living room. None of which even helped the smell. The third bedroom was the worst. We had to keep the door closed, and nothing in it. It was completely unacceptable. The spare room JUST got replaced about two weeks ago (we've been here for two months now). Last Thursday we got a call saying they'll be here on Saturday to replace our living room. Friday morning, after we got the puppy, their incompetent, lousy excuse for maintence guy seen me with the puppy outside. The only person who saw us.

A few hours later, the landlord came banging on the door, "You got a puppy?" I didn't deny it. "Yes I did!" ...."Well, you can't. People are getting evicted, you can't have dogs." ....I said, "Well, you can't tell us we can't have one, but everyone else is allowed to have a dog or cat. Apparently, you can pay a $75 deposit to have a cat. But not a dog? That's discrimination, and its not right." He then said, "Well, I'm sorry, I got a call today from carol (owner's agent), saying someone said you had a puppy. So, you can expect an eviction notice." He wasn't all snaky about it, but I still refused to be discrimated against. It was bull, I know what the owner is trying to pull. He later came back and I showed him the Landlord and Tenant board website where it said we COULDNT be evicted because of the dog, unless he's dangerous, causing damage, too noisy or causing allergies (which I'm pretty sure only counts if your in an apartment building sharing elevators and stair cases, and stuff...not town houses) He didn't say much other than "well, he's still going to evict you." I said "what about everyone else with cats AND dogs?" He said "Its just dogs for now." (I mean, what a serious asshole. Like really? Pets are pets. You can't allow one but not the other!)
He came back a third time that day (Friday same day as we got the puppy), and said, "The carpet guys called me, and they're going to have to reschedule?" I said "oh really? How coincidental. I asked for the name of the carpet guy and the company name. He then got all weary, but told me.

Monday came, and the landlord walked up to us outside, this time all snarky, and said "You guys getting rid of the dog?" I said "no we're not"...he got all rude and started pointing his finger saying "well, I'm telling you right now, be ready for the eviction notice!" Matt was out then and he said "Oh we are. We already know he can't evict us." Then our landlord tried saying yes he can because these are now (all of a sudden) condos. Ha.
After he left, I called the landlord and tenant board. I had TONS of questions. Can he charge $75 for a pet deposit? NO. Can we be evicted for having a dog even though we signed a 'no pets' agreement? No, he needs more of a reason. Does the rules/laws change for town houses and condos? NO. I kid you not. Everything I asked this woman on the phone, he wasn't allowed to do. But somehow this millionaire douche who owns tons of property, has a street named after him, his name pinned up in the library for most money donated, an entire WING in the new hospital called after him...and God knows what else... is allowed to get away with stuff like this. Maybe because he has money, or because he thinks we are young and naive. We're not. We know our rights. Nonetheless, that evening the landlord delivered us our eviction notice.

Later on, I thought about the carpet guys. I told matt, "Hey! I'm going to call him and just see if we can reschedule a date for the replacement." So I did. The guy on the other line started laughing! He said, "well, here's the REAL story, (landlord's name) called US! They told US to cancel. Because he said you had a puppy and there was no point because your leaving anyways." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The landlord lied to my face! And THATS why he was all weary when I asked for the carpet company name. Again...assholes to the Max.

Many people here in our complex I have talked to and they have animals of their own. They don't agree with what he is doing, as they have also received notices in the past, but the owner didn't go any further to getting them to move out. Some want to get together and team up and take him to the Tribunal over it. Of course, because of recent run-ins regarding our carpet, he was quick to get our eviction notice out to us. Yet, he doesn't seem too worried about the others anymore. I mean, the guy who complained is a worker, we arent interferering with his reasonable enjoyment of the property. He doesn't live here. The same goes for electrical workers coming into your HOUSE when you have a dog. You do house calls....people have dogs. That's life. You don't like dogs? Don't do house calls. For explanation's sake, even if my puppy was a dog and actually bit a maintenance person. HE could charge me, fine me, whatever, but my landlord has nothing to do with it, in that sense.

However, Matt and I are doing up a petition. We're going around house to house asking if anyone has had any concerns regarding noise, or damage to my or any other unit. Then, we putting in an order for a hearing. And after thoroughly reading through the Residential Tenancies Act on the Board's website, I feel like we could even have a case. So ill probably looking into having a consultatiin with a lawyer. I paid an early move in fee. And I want that back. This place was in no condition for someone to live in. And I didn't know until I got in here and closed the windows...that's when the smell got bad. Duh. We've been harassed, discrimated against, unlawfully charged, evicted without reason, and he's failing to maintain and repair the living conditions in which we live. Not to mention all the stress and anxiety that's been brought on by this. And once this is all cleared up... I know for a fact my carpet won't get replaced. I'm not even going to bother asking again. I'm going to just file another order with the board.

Before all this happened, I really just thought that you could be evicted for such things. Lesson to be learned here? Know your rights! Just because someone has more money, a nicer house, a nicer car, clothes etc. Doesn't mean a damn thing. We are equal people in society with the same human rights.
I won't ever let anyone walk over me or my family. If something doesn't seem right to you, its probably because it isn't. People like him get away with said issues because he CAN. Because people are scared, or uneducated on the matter at hand, or intimidated. Did you know that an eviction notice is void 30 days after it was received, if the landlord hasn't ordered for a hearing (explaining why they think you should be evicted)? Therefore, you can stay in your home. Yes, you won't have a good residential reference, but at this point, it can't be helped. Your rent will still be taken out, you can continue living there. Mind you, if you DO disagree with the eviction notice YOU have the right to order a hearing.

I won't be leaving. Not this way anyways.

Buried inside this stressed out mama, is a proud woman. I'm doing what's right. What my daughter deserves. What WE deserve. And I won't back down.

:)
*****

Tha pooch. Day 1

We got up at the crack of stupid this morning (5am) to go get our boy. Matt went out and grabbed us a quick breakfast before we hit the road. After a long hour and twenty minutes he was in our arms.

The ride home was....long as well. He sat up with me for about ten minutes, then started getting out of hand so I put him in the little box down by my feet. Thankfully he didn't pee or poop or vomit because, you know, I obviously had to forget a towel/blanket and paper towels. AND his color and leash, in case we had to stop. Oh well, we made it unsoiled. And once we all got out he did his pee.

Coming into the house, he was a little shaky and unsure. Actually most of the day he was shaky and nervous. But towards the evening he really started to warm up. He's even getting used to the toddler that has a pretty much constant volume level of MAX. And he sleeps more than I expected. He had four accidents today. All pee. But he had WAY more successful outside potty trips. I'm pretty proud of him, and me. We did good. I'm still going to hope for better today though.
My mom loves him. She thinks he's gorgeous and she wants one of her own.

Leah was a little bit more attention-seeking. Which I completely understand. And i tried my hardest to be patient and good to her too. When saying her prayers, she just could wait to blurt out "bless you Jax" My sweet girl. She truly loves her puppy.

At night. Gosh, really? We have a newborn again. The weird part is, when we went to bed I looked at matt and said "Who's getting up with him first?" Lol lucky for me, he did. We went to bed around midnight. Matt took him out at 3 to go pee. At 4 I got up with him because he was whining again. He did his pee and got a treat. And 6 I got up with him again, because he was whining. Took him out, he peed. We came in and he ate and drank, so we went back out 5 mins later. Since everyone was sleeping still, it was just me and him. In my jammies, no makeup, no hair brushed. Don't judge. He did his business again. And i was happy.
We made him a comfy little bed out of an old wicker basket I had laying around. He slept in it, and being the little chicken he is (at the moment anyways), he was too afraid to climb out, so he had ZERO accidents all night!
And now, some pictures. :-)

Beached it up.

The day after we decided to get a puppy, I called and arranged for us to go pick him out. Its just over an hour north of us. Not terribly far. The weather was suppose to be nice. Really nice. So, we figured, why not make a day of it, and go to the beach afterwards?
The next morning we got up, packed, got dressed, loaded the truck, took the top off of the jeep, and hit the road. Puppy then beach bound. It was going to be an awesome day. Picking out a puppy took longer than I anticipated. They were all beautifully marked, and most of them had such sweet personalities. Except one boy. He was such a lazy little guy, adorable. When the woman took them outside he played for a bit but then started crying to get back in the bucket to be brought inside. When he finally managed to get it, he continued to cry, I assume, because he wanted back in his cage-thingy in the barn. Haha. Anyways, we didn't choose him... lol poor boy. I wish I could care for them all haha. After we paid her our deposit, we were on our way to the beach. Except it was farther than we thought. Isn't that always how it works?
We made it, finally. Leah's little toddler dream come true. She always pretends to be at the beach. We stayed for two hours. We swam, splashed, floated, built sand castles, buried our child, then my child and i buried her dad. Showed off my new bathing suit. You know, fun times. We brought snacks and drinks with us which included strawberries, cheese and crackers, crispers, and a chocolate bar each. 'Cause, hello, beaching it up calls for a tasty treat, right? Right. Leah and i shared a Kit Kat. Nom nom nom. Usually chocolate, or candy, or ice cream even, doesn't really effect her. Well, in a hyper active way, anyways. Sometimes it does the opposite and puts her to sleep. But today? When we had 1.5 hour drive home? Heck no. She was wired. Like pure giggles, sillyness, loud funky fake laughing, saying hilarious things. Like ridiculously hilarious things, that you wish had been recorded. And of course... i cant even remember it. Darn it. I couldn't even snap a decent picture of her. She was a blur in every one haha. She slept good that night. We all did.
It was an awesome first time at the beach in 2012. And i cant wait to go back.

Tuesday Treasures. ...er, something like that.

You know that moment you realize your pay check wasn't as much as it was suppose to be? Yeah- that. So, needless to say, things haven't gone exactly as planned this week. I guess it could be worse, though.

And because there are equal parts negative and positive stuff going on on a daily basis, I was thinking I should just donate a day of the week to write about all of the craptastic things that happen. You know, so then we can compete for who has the most shitacular day. Sound fun, yeah?
Mmm...well, maybe not.

But I really really do try to just keep moving forward, to find something positive in all this negative. But some days its so hard. Did I happen to break some kind of evil mirror that I wasn't aware of, while walking under a ladder, inside, holding an open umbrella with the number 13 plastered all over it, *takes deep breath before continuing* just before crossing paths with a black cat... on Friday the 13th? *sighs*
Yeah, your probably right. I don't even believe in all that hocus-pocus stuff. Although, I even had to write this post TWICE! Yeah, 'cause somehow it got deleted while trying to publish. Ah...hell.
I gots me a inside out horseshoe stuck up me bum though ;) I must.
 
Anyways. Things that I am thankful for. Things I treasure this week.

** Philadelphia Onion Dip. Nuff said.
** Kissing chubby toddler cheeks.
** uh, buying a PUPPY. Hello.
** Finding an awesome vet with amazing prices.
** The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
** Our first trip to the beach this summer. Success!
** 21 Jump Street....because, duh, Channing Tatum? James Franco's younger brother (Dave Franco)? ...heck, even Jonah Hill wasn't all that bad in this one.
** Homemade BLT's. Yum.
** Freeze pops from when i was a kid. 10 in a pack for a dollar? Win.
** Paying off bills. Whoop whoop!

Happy Tuesday!

When a toddler is impatient for her puppy.

Well, this happens -->

OK, lets be honest. Buying a puppy from a horse farm, when your toddler is beyond infatuated with horses and being a cowgirl? Ha...fun times.

At first she was all "aww, puppies so cute." And "puppies eating me skirt! Hahaha! Silly puppies." And then? She looked up.
Bam. Lost all focus. 'Cause, duh, horses?! Heck yeah. Not the regular pony-riding-horses she's used to. Big, beautiful, horses. And of course the woman's 5 grandchildren had her all hyped up, running around, through, and climbing the barn and fences. Animal children. Seriously. At one point we lost track of her momentarily and found her with the other kids (obviously), behind the barn. Matt found her and before picking her up, without even realizing, grabbed the fence and realized it was an electric fence. He only got a little shock, like one you get when rubbing your feet on carpet. But he immedietly picked Leah up and explained she had to stay with us. She came back and played with the puppies a little more, but I could tell she wasn't all that interested. Something was itching at her.

All she was talking about were the darn horses. "Mommy, I ride horsey?" "Mommy I cow girl." And when we left? Melt down extreme. "I want horsey! I ride horsey! Pony ride! Mommy!! I ride horsey!!!" For like, 30 minutes.

So we just figured she didn't fully understand that we just got a puppy. And i know she didn't. But once we left and all day yesterday we were kinda getting her excited about it. Telling her his name, making his bed, buying him food, toys, treats, food bowls, leash, collar etc etc.... I guess she started realizing and understanding. Well, once we got home from buying food, she just burst out in tears. Screaming "Jax! I walk jax. Go get jax." It broke out hearts, but also melted them a little too. She loves her little puppy that she sees in pictures.

The woman asked us if we wanted to take him when we looked at him, and she would just lower the price and we can get his first shots with him. So, remembering this, we decided we all want him here with us so badly. He is completely weaned from his mother, since she refuses to feed them now. (She has twelve after all. And they're a pretty good size now, to be fighting for tha boob.) We gave her a call. Instead of picking him up in two weeks, we're picking him up in one week. So he'll be seven weeks old.
So, not much longer until he's here with us.
My dear daughter needed some cuddles and comfort food to calm her down.

Announcements and such

We've talked about this for some time now, but not even two months ago we were in a small two bedroom apartment. So it just seemed wrong to even think about. Fortunately though, we are now in a spacious, three story, three bedroom town home. Not the biggest back yard, but we have a ginormous park across the street. I know Leah is ready for a little bit of big kid responsibility, and she'd loooove having a little friend around ALL the time.

OK. OK. OK. WHAT IS YOUR BIG ANNOUNCEMENT MEGAN!!! Get to the point.

Haha. Alright.
I'm not pregnant.
We won't be welcoming a sweet little human into this world. Just yet. Although, we would live to. But that's all I'm saying about that.

However, we are going to be welcoming a baby into our hearts and home. He just isn't human. Yes, I said HE. Its a boy! And he's a PUPPY! An Australian Shepherd puppy to be exact. He was born on June 1, 2012. So he is just 6 weeks old right now. He'll be staying with his his mommy for 2 1/2 more weeks. He will have his first shots and a health guarentee. His parents were beautiful and unbelievably friendly and loving.

This Tuesday past I decided to randomly look up some ads online for puppies. When i came across these twelve little Aussies up for sale. They were all gorgeous. All had unique and different pots and markings. Matt and i talked about it all afternoon, evening, night, and finally decided it was the right time, and the right puppy, and the right price. The next day I called and arranged to go meet the puppies for the following day.
I knew they'd be cute, but my gosh, I didn't think they'd all be THAT cute. I fell in love with a little girl, and she sort of fell in love with me. I hate saying he wasn't our first choice but, he was our second. The girl was already spoken for. The boy we chose was calm and cuddly and patient. He was curious and had the most beautiful markings. We took pictures, cuddled him, and sadly, said goodbye for another 2 1/2 weeks. But he is ours. Family, and we know he was meant for us. He has gorgeous blue eyes. Which might change to green, or stay blue.

We will welcome him with open arms and open hearts. We are so ready for this little guy.

His name.... is Jax.

Tuesday Treasures

Last week I got a little distracted and forgot to do my Tuesday Treasures. So the list is a little long this week.

; one dollar iced coffees at McDonalds. All. Summer. Long. Sugar-free vanilla made with milk? Delicious and low Cal!
; deliciously sweet, fresh pineapple
; waking up to a messy-haired, perky little girl reading in her room
; the Hex Hall series. Read them in three days. And somehow my house got cleaned somewhere in there.
; an extremely polite kid. I'm so proud of her.
; ending my day off by enjoying a good book in bed. This week? The Night Circus.
; random family swim days
; singing 'our song' to Leah when she woke up last night. I've never actually sang it to her like that. She listened with a smile on her face. Then, said "I wove you much mommy". If that doesn't melt your heart, your a crazy person.
; Tuesdays. Because they're always better than Mondays.
; Family barbeques with loved ones we haven't seen in months
; our new portable air conditioner. Paid half the retail price from one of Matt's coworkers. It doesn't cool our entire place but it take all the humidity out and keeps it cooler than outside.
; Matt. Boy is he hard to be around on Mondays. But I love him. And he's an awesome daddy. Even came home a couple days ago on his lunch break to build a Lego castle with Leah and quickly eat.
; being able to write. I enjoy it so much. Weather people read it or not. I get some things out of this head of mine.

Well, I think that list is long enough, I've gotta go get this house cleaned. Especially after what Monday did to it. Oh, have I said how much I don't like Mondays? See previous post :)

Monday's at this place.

I think its fair to say Monday's suck, yeah? Its no joke. I freaking hate this day of the week. And i don't even work at the moment. So, why do you dispise this day so much, Megan? Well...let me explain shall I?

Since Friday, Saturday, and Sunday its just Leah and i while daddy is off working, by the time Monday comes, I'd do anything to go and just get a coffee on my own. (Toddlers are a lot of work man. Even an extremely independant one.) However, after working 40 hours in 3 days, Dad usually...er...always takes Monday's for "recuperating". And i guess he deserves it. But even after the sleeping in, the napping etc. he stays pretty cranky throughout the day. For the most part. In turn, it just makes me grumpy. And as a result to that? A cranky, whiny toddler. We're just a big grump fest over hear on Mondays, yo.

Sunday's I usually do more cleaning than any other day. Monday? You'd never be able to tell. Kinda depressing. Even my house is grumpy. Heh heh

Today, being the nice person that I am i got up, got Leah and myself all dolled up and went out to the library. We let daddy stay home and nap. On our way back home Leah seen the park and splash pad. Then she asked for a "nic nic" (picnic). So once we got home, daddy said we could go and i packed some sandwiches and off we went. We had some serious fun. Still, there were grumpy moments....for everyone.

Today i learned my daughter is a pretty audacious little risk taker. I couldnt believe that she was brave enough to climb this crazy ladder thing at the park. Not one but six times. An eight year old came by and tried it, backed off and said "no way i cant do that" haha. While I was pushing Leah on the swings she blurted out "look I high up. I Peter Pan! Argh, I get you Captain Hook! Sword fight!!" And with that mumble jumble we broke out into an air-sword fight. Good times.

When we were back home we were all b.e.a.t. We had an early dinner and did some chillin' and cuddling on the couch. At 5:30 pm my little Miss Peter Pan fell asleep. Off to a Neverland of her own. Poor girl. She was drained.
And i can't blame her. Mondays? Are hard.

Savoring these moments

Ever since The Crazy Day (see previous posts: When the going gets tough), I've been kind if in a "savor this moment, enjoy the little things"-kinda daze.  Maybe it was what happened on The Crazy Day or maybe its just because my not so little baby girl, has taken another developmental leap. She's just becoming so much more vocal, and opinionated, and....big-girl-like. We're at that point where new words aren't all that much of a surprise anymore. I mean -yeah, its fascinating but its no surprise anymore. We're not all "Ohmygosh Honey! Did you hear that! Aww!!" Now its more of an internal struggle with Father Time. And so, as I wallow in self pity, I find myself constantly wondering when she's going to stop liking my cuddles. I admit, I'm probably a little overbearing with showing my affection, especially with her. She gets tons of hugs and squeezes and kisses and cuddles. And at the moment, she mostly enjoys them.

So, these last few days I've been probably extremely overbearing. But still, thankfully, my little Love Bug doesn't mind it. And to be honest, I think I've been a little less stressed out. Parenting has been easier. I'm just savoring. Laughing. Loving. Smiling. Enjoying. 

My heart is just so full of love for this kid, as I'm sure every mother feels. Even 2.5 years later, this unconditional love? Should be the 8th wonder of the world. There's nothing that compares.
Completely swoon worthy. Completely in love.

Butterfly Butterfly

Wednesday was a crazy day. But there was some good that came out of it. Leah and i met up with a friend at the butterfly conservatory. And let me just say this... call me weird, childish, whatever...but I'm not very fond of butterflies. I mean, yeah they're gorgeous, graceful little critters but, well, they creep me out. They're so sporatic and they land on you, in your hair and it just doesn't feel nice. But, despite my weird little thing I got going on with them, I took Leah anyways. Hand in hand, the girls walked, discovered and explored. There was even a class on a field trip that was sitting listening to one of the workers. Of course my kid, being who she is...tugged on her little friends hand and made her sit down with her at the back of the group. Some kids kind of gave them funny looks. Then, out of nowhere, I guess because it was too quiet for them, they started raising their hands yelling "oh, me! MEEE!" Ha. A glimpse into her future I guess.
I highly doubt my daughter will be the shy, quiet, loner kid that I was in school. For some reason, I'm thinking she's going to be the well known, candid, dauntless spunky little monkey. Maybe even Miss Popularity. Like her daddy was. (Yeah, I was the quiet, modest, shy girl who got the popular jockey --- hmm maybe I should write about how we met....got together...stuff? Yeah?) Needless to say, they got the attention they were seeking and they were darn cute doing so.
Once we got into the conservatory, it was HOT. Like, sweating your balls off in 2 mins kind of hot. That part wasn't great, and we had to take about 4-5 breaks and go back into the air conditioned part. Fewwf!
Leah was so in to it. She especially loved the little finches that, surprisingly, were extremely tame for a bird. She was saying "awww" and "pretty" quite a bit. I got some gorgeous pictures! We had such a good time.

When the going gets tough...

...it just gets tougher. Seriously.
Today started off all wrong. If i could have a re-do I would soooo jump on that opportunity.

First.
Matt's brother and sister came to stay with us for two nights. This morning, I was going to bring them home in my way to the butterfly conservatory. Except we got a call 45 minutes before we intended to be up from their mother saying his brother was late for work...! Yeah.... So we all got ready as fast and as best we could. We left.

Que crazy rain and thunderstorm.

Second.
Just as i was driving into town, the gas light comes on. No big deal...stop at the bank, get gas...carry on. Or so I thought. I get to the bank and find out that our rent came out when it wasn't suppose to. No money. Like....none. I still had to some how bring these guys home, and drop his brother off at work. And i was suppose to be going to the butterfly conservatory. In the end...I did make it. But barely.

Third. And boy...is this one good.
After waiting and waiting and WAITING for my rent check to be returned (which it never did), I magically was able to take money out...(?) And so I headed to the butterfly conservatory with my friend and her little girl. We had so much fun. Hot, sticky, buggy, and well earned FUN. (Which I will write about another time)
After being in what I would expect was close to 60 degrees celceus ( not 100% sure but damn hot!) Like rainforest hot.....we came home and walked down to my moms for freezies. Leah got a freezie and was pretty pumped over it. And i guess we didn't come at the best time because as soon as i walked in, my sister looks at me as if to say "ugh! what are you doing here!?" And really says "oh, we're leaving very soon, just so you know". I told her that's OK, we only came to say hi and Leah wanted a freezie. After about 30 minutes (my mom was discussing camping over the next few weeks) my sister was getting extremely impatient. She asked about a bajillion times in the most snotty way "uh, when are we leaving?!" But it wasn't just that...oh no...Leah was trying to move one of my moms plastic chairs (I don't know why...she's a toddler, doing toddler things) My sister was all "no Leah. No Leah. No Leah." Eventually I told Leah to say excuse me please. Which she did. My sister wouldn't move. Leah asked again nothing. And again and again and again. After this, I raised my voice at her and told her to move. She replied with "I'm not even in the way, geeze what's the big deal" I told her...its not a big deal but a two and a half year old is using some pretty damn good manners at the moment and I'd like for her to respect that and move! She gave me THAT look. You know, the miss attitude I don't give a crap kinda look. I took her arm and pulled her out of Leah's way. She yelled at me. Went right back. I moved her again. She screamed at me. Like screeeaaamed. Meanwhile my mother was also there trying to tell her to move and be respectful. She's all "No! no! Why do I have to move? I'm not even in the way" and "DONT TOUCH ME" in a im-getting-tortured voice. I h.a.d. IT! For real. I grabbed her arm pulled her away all while she's screaming at me. I put my hand over her mouth, pinned her against the wall and basically told her if she ever screams like that again in front of my daughter again she's going to be sorry. She then shrieked like I've never heard any one shriek. It was almost uneligable.
I'm not proud, by any means. But thinking back, I don't know if there was any other way I could of handled it. Well, I guess I could of left. But I'm just so tired of her being that snotty, mouthy little you-know-what that she is. But PLEASE believe me... she's like no other person I've ever known or heard of. She has ADHD, anxiety, and ODD (opposition defiant disorder), and we all think she has some OCD as well. Some day I think she's got a personality disorder. In all honesty guys, she makes it HARD to love. I've always said that. I mean...yes I love her. She's my sister. I wish she could actually BE a sister to me. A friend. She's just blood. And you have no idea how much it actually pains me to admit that. But its the truth.
And fourth?
Well, obviously today couldn't be complete without one of THOSE bedtimes. The refusing, the crying, the coming out, ect ect ect. Is it MY bedtime yet?
Just pray for me people. Or whatever it is that you do. Because I sure as heck could use it right about...well...13 hours ago.
:)
*****
Thanks for reading my outrageously long post. But there. Its out.
*siiiiigh*
******
Some "crazy-head" pictures Leah and i took after our stressful day.

I'm beyond grateful. Even though...

I was like a child waiting for Canada to come. The giddyness and excitment was just overflowing. Until... my mother decided to invite her ex along. And drunk at that. Wait. Did i say drunk? i meant shit-faced. Excuse the inappropriate terminology but i dont really know any other description. And my mom? She was also not far off. I mean...i'm all for having a few drinks in honor of our country's birthday (which i didnt even...) but when your going somewhere public? Where thousands of people are? Just kind of irritating is all.
So, we get there, set up our chairs and my mom asks me if we want to go let leah do some stuff while they stay there with our stuff. So we did. We made straight for the pony rides. Leah was beyond thrilled to be a real cowgirl. Next up, she went on the toddler ferris wheel, that goes about 7-8 feet in the air. She was saying, "I big girl!" because she had to go on alone. Fortunately, this family asked if their daughter could go on with leah because she was afraid, and at the end, her parents gave leah the rest of their tickets. Super nice. So then she got to go on this big blow-up, bouncy slide. She climbed up with other kids also in pursuit. Gets to the top, turns around and starts goingndown thinking THAT was the slide, and taking out a couple kids on the way haha. I think i peed a little laughing... ok i did (I know im not alone in this area). After that she had some real bouncy fun in the little bouncy castle. And seriously? Best!Day!Ever!
About an hour and a half later she texts me asking where we are because she is at the beer tent. Ha! Who woulda thunk? And left our stroller and the rest of our belongings alone. I wasnt happy.But then she got back and said, "Of course everything is okay, I told you God was watching it." ....Really!?
Anyways, after all was said and done, it was a great evening. And at 9:55pm when the fireworks started, we were all in awe. I looked next to me and seen my daughter cuddled with her daddy watching her first fireworks. In little toddler heaven, and I was just so thankful for this beautiful country we live in. Thankful for what we have, who we have...drunk or not. Thankful for the soldiers who fight for us, the soldiers who remain home (like mine) because they are a great honor as well. Thankful for friends, family, and love. It was one of those moments that made you just wish everyone in the world had the opportunity to watch fireworks.
At the end we all clapped and cheered and yelled, "Happy Birthday Canada!" Which, coming from a toddler sounded more like, "Happy birtay Canna!", totally cute.
Happy 145th birthday Canada! I'm proud of my beautiful country.

Happy 145th Birthday

Canadians across the country are celebrating the 145th birthday of our beautiful country. This year, as in years past, will be marked by day long festivities and capped of with a fireworks display in many areas. Its a fun filled day of red and white.

This year we're heading to the park down the road where they are predicting that thousands of people will be there. There's bands, games, clowns, barbeques, pony rides, along with a ginormous playground that im sure will be packed, and obviously a fireworks display, which will be leah's first time seeing in real life! The city, and its donaters have spent $20,000 on fireworks. It should be a good show.
We'll be walking down with some folding chairs and snacks. Its going to be a long, warm day. Hopefully i can find something patriotic for us all to wear! ;)

Heres to another 145 years, Canada. *cheers*
Happy Birthday!
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M.

In Honor Of My Two-And-A-Half-Year-Old

Watch "You'll Be In My Heart-phil collins" on YouTube


This is my song to Leah. Ever since to was a tiny, wee little bebe in my bellay. I would listen to it, sing to it, cry to it (ya know, being the emotional m.e.s.s. that is pregnancy). I planned for this song to be on our dvd of her at 33 weeks 3D ultrasound. But i couldnt figure out how to bring it in for them. So, now there is this extremely boring lullaby music on the dvd that will literally put you to sleep. Oh well, its the actual ultrasound, being able to watch her move around, yawn, suck on her hands, and blink thats the most important, and amazing thing. Actually, that day we also bought a teddy bear and recorded her heart beat. Now that sweet little womp, womp, womp, is lying within a teddy bear tummy, waiting to be hugged. Every now and then i'll give it a squeeze so I can hear that unforgettable sound, and wait for the flood of memories it brings. The 41 weeks that she was in my belly were 41 weeks i'll never forget. Well, i guess it was actually 36 weeks that I'll never forget, since i found out ar 5 weeks.

I'm so proud of the little girl that she is. Everyday she makes us laugh. She has an incredible personality. And i see so much of myself in her. I see so much of Matt too. But shes just a complete mini-me.

At two-and-a-half:
She is 34" tall, 26.6 lbs, has gorgeous wavy blonde hair, and the most beautiful blue eyes that ive ever seen.
Her favorite food is spaghetti, pizza, toast, apples, oranges, baby carrots and dip, and macaroni and cheese.
The things she enjoys doing the most is building with lego blocks, puzzles, playing pretend (with anything and everything), reading books,  and playing outside with her friends.

Shes crazy, wild, spunky, funny, polite, loving, and so friendly.

I'm beyond honored to be her mommy.

Some days i think we got so incredibly lucky with her that maybe we shouldn't have anymore. But then I love her so much that it makes me want more. :)

Children. 

Her One-Thing-Does-It-All Tool

See what I did there? Haha Yes, that's a Cat in The Hat reference. Except no, her One-Thing-Does-It-All tool is not an elephant's trunk. ....assuming you've seen that episode. Otherwise your probably making a real funny face right now, thinking "What in the world is this chick talking about!?" ....sorry if that's the case. :)

Anyways. Her One-Thing-Does-It-All tool. Last night this kids mind was on extreme mode. Within an hour she went from being "supa hero Weeya" to "cowboy Weeya", "Doc Doc Weeya" to "Monster Weeya", "Pirate Weeya" to "baby Weeya". It was so much fun. Her absolute favorite thing is when people play pretend with her. It was her lucky day, she had both mommy and daddy on the floor pretending with her. Somedays she refuses to answer us as "Leah", we must call her "Princess Weeya" as she says, or whatever shes pretending to be at the time.
But it really sort of hit me last night. That an imagination is the best tool you can posses. It gives you the ability to dream and become whoever you want to be.
Our children learn so much everyday, and we teach them so much on a  daily basis. But we can also learn so much from them. We should take pointers from our little toddlers, our un-tainted, care-free, joyous little people. Because they have so much they can teach us too. I know I could use a little help in the "care-free" department. Sometimes maybe you just need to leave the dishes, or laundry, clean the bathrooms tomorrow because whats one more day? And just enjoy. Enjoy anything. A walk, a book, a game with your little one, a bath, a drive, anything to put your mind a little a ease. So you can just breathe.
If we could just find a little more enjoyment from the little things, take a little time to just soak this up, this age, our time with our children now. Then maybe? Maybe we could all have a little less stress in our lives. Maybe. But its worth a try...isnt it?
***
Have a great weekend! Happy Canada Day Weekend! Hope your all able to get out and enjoy some festivities tomorrow!

Hakuna Matata

Guess!What! I got to sleep-in this morning. Like, legit sleep-in. Leah woke up at 7:30 and i took her to go pee, then it was like her whole world came falling down on her (and it sounded like it too), all because Daddy was getting up and dresed to go downstairs with her. Pretty sure she was crying for about 45 min to an hour. I feel bad for him when this happens, which is every time he gets up with her. Hence why i dont usually get to sleep in. But, you gotta keep trying right? Im so thankful that he did get up with her though, even though she was upset and mad (call me terrible or whatever) but i needed this sleep. I knew she was safe and being taken care of, as much as she'd allow.

And so...she fell into yet another blissfull, and worry-free sleep.

And then...without any warning at all, there was a huge Thump! I roll over to hear the Hakuna Matata song start up. I look down, and hear are my two favorite people in the world. Singing, yes! My two year old was singing! And it was the most cutest thing. She had her arm wrappedaround her Daddy's neck and the other arm stretched out singing "No worriiieeeeeeess.....dayyyyyys.....pobem freeeee....una tata!!" And then? She gets all up in her daddy's face doing this heavy metal rocker thing with her mouth stretched open, singing at the top of her lung. Yep. Then my heart exploded with cuteness and love for these two spunkey monkeys.
And i thought...what better way to wake up? Your daughter singing to you...no worries.

****
Have a worry-free Thursday! :)

10 Apps I Coudn't Live Without.

...yeah, I said. Couldn't LIVE without? OK not really but, still. You know what I mean. Nowadays pretty much everyone has a phone to which they can download apps on. I've seen the elderly use these phones... these times is cray-zay yo.

So? These are my favorite...so, you should probably just go get 'em. They make everyday life a little easier...er tolerable...convenient? Fun! ....all the above.

Top ten favorite apps. Ever.

1- Instagram {well, this one is self explanatory isn't it? *sigh* love me some insta-photography}
2- Dictionary.com {You'd be surprised how much I use this. I'm always looking in the thesaurus.}
3- Goodreads {book worm in the house. I love the website. The app is just as amazing. Search books, read reviews, add to your 'shelves'. Love. Love. Love}
4- Picsart { for making picture collages, and editing}
5- Picsart Kids {Leah loves this app. Its basically a giant colouring book with so many pictures to choose from.}
6- Blogger {without this my blog just wouldn't exist. Well, barely. You can't do as much as you can on the website, but it gets the job done}
7- Add Watermark {Add words to your photos so they can't be stolen}
8- Plume {in my opinion? The best app out there on android, for Twitter}
9- The Weather Network {so convenient, love it}
10- Flixster {We like our movies. This shows you new reases, theatre releases, coming soon etc. A-w-e-s-o-m-e.}

(Not in that order)

Your welcome.

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Happy hump day folks.
M.

Tuesday Treasures

Its so simple to be sidetracked and forget all of the luxuries that you have to be thankful for. And sometimes you dont realize how fortunate you are for these little "treasures" until they are no more. So, I've taken it upon myself to make it a little more clear (to myself) just how grateful I am for such things.
Today's treasures:

*gorgeous windy days that are just the right temperature, pretty uncommon this time of year.
*morning cuddles right next to pretty much the best little cuddle ever.
*homemade cheesy scallop potatoes, the best. period.
*The Help by Kathryn Stockett -- the book I'm currently reading. And one I'm already thinking I should of bought.
*a clean house. for now.
*a refreshingly delicious Ice Cap before 9 am.
*my Blackberry -- given to me by my dear friend when my android broke.
*library visits spent reading book after book to my little book worm
*a little who manages to make me crack up, even at 12:30am...waking up asking for pizza and toast.
Its the simple things. But today, its these treasures that I appreciate the most.
------

psssst, by the way? Feel free to take the picture and do your own 'Tuesday Treasues'.

Little Miss Attitude

Sometimes you have to wonder where in the world your child learns things. But it really does just take one time for it to stick in their little heads. Tonight when i brought leah up for bed, I read her stories, brushed teeth, said prayers, and gave kisses. Then she sat up, kicked her blanket off, threw her teddies, crossed her arms, scrunched up her face and said, "hmph! I don't want to!" Trying to reason with a 2.5 year old is pretty pointless but i tried my luck anyways. She continued her little protest with that sweet angry face of hers and got all sulky. Hopefully she gets that she doesnt get to weave her way out of bedtime by crossing her arms and being Miss Bossy Pants. It aint happening girlfran.

I truly fear her teenage years. Heck, i fear the next five years.

We'll get through it. ....right? ;)
****

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go, go, go!

Life Without Makeup?

Makeup has become a huge part of our everyday life, its not hard to see that. From fake eyelashes to hair extensions, foundation to Photoshop. Its advertised in magazines, TV, and billboards. Its what we see as normal. Accepted. Beautiful. 

Some people go all out. But I've come to really appreciate natural beauty. A lot of people don't realize just how beautiful the "aux natural" look actually is. Personally, I think it shows confidence and that they're comfortable in their own skin. Unfortunatly, we are engineered to think that flawless is beauty. I mean, yes, of course, there are gorgeous celebrities but its just a shame that we sometimes feel like we have to have the same characteristics that represent beauty. Because on camera, in magazine, billboards, and other advertisements they are just that. Flawless. But in actuality, its fake.

And I'm not exactly sure why we as the audience have to view them as that. Why not just let them model without that airbrush in Photoshop? Why must they add that extra shine to their hair? Erase "beauty marks" all together?

And then...i feel a real sadness for those in the big spot light. Imagine how it would feel going into a photoshoot, only to realize all the later (and unnecessary) touch-ups that will be done to make you qualify as acceptable for an ad?
And i realize these "Photoshop tricks" aren't always done, but they are used a lot. And i just find it unnecessary.

So, the last four days I've gone without make-up. And i realized some things:
1) Its a lot easier to rub your itchy eye when you're not wearing makeup
2) Doing my makeup doesn't usually take a whole lot of time but I have a little extra time in the mornings to do whatever I want.
3) I look in the mirror a whole lot less.
4) I have this feeling of just...comfort. Its comfortable not wearing makeup.
5) Face clothes aren't getting stained.
6) I'm saving money not using makeup.

Pretty sweet, right? I thought so.

And now for my BEFORE and AFTER  makeup pictures.

see?...not a whole lot of makeup anyways. Just some liquid eye liner on top, mascara, foundation, bronzer blush and Baby Lips lip chap! I keep it simple usually. If im going somewhere ill add some gold or pink-ish gold eye shadow. 

I didnt start wearing makeup until i was 14. Then all throughout highschool i wore it all the time! And then there was a time when i wouldnt leave the house without it. So, i've made some improvements with my self esteem and confidence and as a result, I've made an oath to wear zero makeup at least twice a week. :) Seems doable right?

Because no makeup, is beautiful too.

***
M.

Mini House Tour

So, this morning was pretty much like every other morning: wake up at 6:30 with Leah, go cuddle on couch while The Little watches tv, and doze in and out of that sweet sleep which i dont see enough of these days. But then, at 10am i got an invisible kick to the butt. It was b.e.a.u.t.i.f.u.l outside, rather than the sticky and uncomfortable humidity we've had the last week. My house needed to be cleaned. Like, bad.

So, then this happened....

We settled on pink and mint green as the paint colors. I painted her a tree and three little owls. Who, obviously, are mommy, daddy and Leah. And yes, she doesnt have a bed at the moment because she likes to roll out!

Our down stairs half-bath. And potty time. Your welcome.

Stuff got cleaned!

My favorite room. I love the sea foam walls, the bight pink curtains, the natural light, the coziness.  

Its been a long time since we've had a dining table. Actually this is our first one. I love the antique-ishness of it. this room is so warm and cheery.

So, that concludes my little house tour. I would of showed off my basement, which is the giant room of toys at the moment, but i went down and realized there was two loads of laundry down there that needed folding. And you know... the apocolyptic mess that is Toys, needs organizing and cleaning.

And then there's our bedroom. Which, has clothes all over the places and a giant box filled with a baby playmat, teddys, and parts of the play yard. And whatever else i pulled from the spare room (which is getting its carpet replaced soon). But? i'll just tell you, its nicely painted a light grey with a yellow accent wall, so its got that going for it.
I did have pictures of the upstairs bathroom, but they didnt want to work for me so...there's that.
Oh yes. The kitchen. It was a disaster. also not up to my standards. So that will also be left for another day.
Baby steps people...its all about baby steps.

Well, hope you enjoyed my little house tour! These pictures were taken today after my freak on set of motivation. No, it doesnt always look like this. Trust me. I like to believe im somewhat normal.
:)

***
M.

The fathers day post. Take four.

Well, here goes try numero four. For most other failed posted or accidentally deleted posts, I would probably just throw the towel in with that particular post. But seeing as this was for fathers day...well, one of the most important men in our lives deserves for me to complete and not accidentally delete his very own post.
So that's what I intend to do.

This fathers day, poor 'ol dad had to work. That didn't stop us from celebrating him. Leah made him a sweet little card and on the inside said "I love you". The part that made it so special was she actually wrote the o's. Monday morning, when she woke up, she grabbed the card and ran into our room saying "a-piiiise daddy!" I think it will be something I always remember.

All day Monday, we spent at the African Lion Safari learning, discovering, sweating, playing, 'ooo-ing', and 'awh-ing'. Fun!Times!

I am so thankful that we have him. He takes being a daddy to a whole new level. He works so incredibly hard (sometimes pulling 60+ hrs a week) so I can stay home (for now). I'll be honest, when he's not working he does spend a lot of time catching up on missed sleep. But when he's not sleeping? He's either down on the floor playing with Leah, or helping out with the cooking or cleaning. He even allows me to drag him out and about to the park, or swimming, or walks etc.
I never had a dad like that, and I'm beyond blessed to have him as my daughter's father. And one day, when she fully understands the gist of fathers day... she'll know she has the best dad ever too.

***

You Can Call Me The Memory Keepin' Mama

Its obvious that, being a mom, you're going to take a lot of photos. You know...sleeping, eating, potty-ing, and of course the real sweet stuff too. Lately I realized that I carry my camera around more than I do my purse -- or even my cell phone for that matter. And that's saying something.

Lately, that big soft spot I have, has seemed to have grown. We've been moving things around this past week, and I've come across pieces of her little bassenett. The softness, gosh -- how small it is. It fits in a box?! Yep, she used to be that small. It just blows my mind that this growing a kid business happens so quickly. You'll never get yesterday back, never be able to get back that time. Pictures, video, and your dear-old memory is all you got.
Its just what i do. And in all honesty? I think I have more toddler photos an I do baby photos. But I have a lot of baby photos too. Like two whole SD cards. That now huge soft spot I that have (that's also making me want another little one around) is just yelling at me to snap these memories up forever. It doesn't matter to me if we're walking to the park, at an amusement park, or just sitting in our backyard, those are memories. And camera in hand, ill bottle those memories up. Happy times (Well, I've captured some pretty "sad" times too). I want to look back on these photos and see a story.

This age? Two... is unbelievably amazing. The learning, growing, talking, the imaginations -- oh my the imagining, the little mini-humans that they are. So tiny, but still...big. Almost full grown kids. Little kidlets, for lack of a better word. Mind blowing. Yes, the two's are quite a leap from One. But it is just so much fun.

Sadly, I'm waaayyy overdue to get some printed. Its on my to-do-list. Trust me.

So, you can call me The Memory Keepin' Mama. Its what I do. I mom, I photographer, I write, I remember. I love. Above all, I love. I love this kiddo, I love her amazing daddy, I love this life.

****
I'll leave you with that.
:-)

M.

An Update Of All Sorts

I'll save you all from my sobb story about why i habent been writing and all that fun stuff...and cut to the chase.

Leah.
She's 100% amazing. Getting smarter and cuter and more beautiful everyday. She's certainly growing. And so is my heart. I am so filled with love for this little one. The things she says, "kank you mommy, helping me", "pease help me mommy", saying "sorry" when she is in someones way or just 'thinks' she's in someomes way. That adorably heart melting little voice. I could listen to her talk for ever.
She will be exactly 2.5 at the end of June! I can't believe it. How fast time goes by. How much they change. Everyday they are changing.

Bath time.
Thank baby Jesus its getting better. We tried the shower for about 2.5 weeks. She was pretty uncomfortable in there. We tried a bath a few days ago and she cried for about 10 minutes. I was heart broken, but I knew this had to stop. Daddy and i sat there next to the tub with her the entire time. Eventually after we let her cry for a bit, some distraction worked to help ease the tears. And to my surprise, she washed herself and let me wash her hair (which used to be the worst part) without crying. We decided on pulling the plug after she was out of the tub. So the last two times she has had some fun in the tub, and not as many tears. And of course, all the toys need to be thrown out before she leaves. You know, just in case they happen to go down the drain. No really. That's why. Well, her reason anyways.
So this, my friends? Is us getting somewhere.... and i hope we'll be back to where we were with bath time in a couple months or so.

Potty training.
Yes, it is still a topic and still in progress. Only during the night of course ;) And I'm proud to announce that my big girl is almost trained through the night. She usually pees before bed, and sometimes she will wake up for a drink. Depending on how much she drinks, she may have a little in her pull up in the morning. But most mornings, she wakes me up at 6-7am running into my room doing a little dance saying " ake up mommy! I pee I pee!" So, obviously there's so gradual wake up around here anymore. I pretty much have to jump out of bed and get her on the potty.

I'm so proud of her. In more ways than I can say.

Me.

Well, things haven't gone as planned in the sahm department. Things are pretty tight at the moment. A little to tight for comfort. So, I'll be looking for work in the near future. There are thing we want to do this summer as a family and with friends. With me working it may be a little more difficult, but without me working it will also be difficult. So, sadly, I'll be going back to work. I just don't know where or when. But I'd love to look and get in somewhere that I actually want to work. Somewhere where I'll like to work. I'm hoping a children's store of some sort. Clothing, toys... whatever. Although, there isn't too much of an option here. I think there might be a couple places.
As for the weight loss thing.... I haven't weighed in yet, but I feel it working its magic! So, I'm happy and excited about it!

Us.
We're planning a family trip to the African Lion Safari on or around June 20. I'm unbeleivably excited! This will be Leah's first zoo-type experience! So many pictures to come!

Last week we took Leah swimming for the first time this year. She loved it. She even started kicking and moving her arms. And now, its something we 'plan' to do every week. And perhaps in the fall, we'll sign her up for some swim lessons!

****

No matter how hard times have gotten, love is flowing through this house at an all time high. I'm thankful for what we do have, and what God has done for us. It doesn't go unnoticed.

**
M.

30 Day Shred Update -- failure.

Well......

I failed. I lasted about 13 days. But they were 13 good days. Boy did I sweat. Yeck...

I didn't stop because it was too hard. I stopped because even though I said I would power through the move and continue working out, I couldn't. Things got crazy busy and hectic. And honestly? No, I couldn't fit a 25-30 minute workout routine in. The last week and a bit before we moved, we were travelling from our old little town to this city, painting, cleaning (both places), and packing.

I'd love to start it up again -- and I plan to -- because it was a brutal workout, and therefore I was literally feeling the results. Even if it was only 13 days. I didn't do end measurements or weight (actually I haven't checked my weight since we moved!!!) I just didn't see the point. 

I'm thinking I might start on Monday. No... actually? I will start again on Monday. Before it gets too crazy hot to do it.

But overall, I really enjoyed the workout. I felt every muscle being worked, strained and torn. I felt my unused and unworked muscles shaking less and less as the days went on. I almost always walked away with jello legs. And by about day 8-10 I was able to do a real push-up!
That ladies and gentlemen? Is what I call success. And even though I didn't complete the whole challenge, I still got up off my butt and bettered my body to some degree.

And I'm happy with that.

Her prayer to baby Jesus

If you've been following me on Twitter or read my post, you know how much trouble bath time brings around here.

A few nights ago, after saying her prayers with her, well...for her -- she'll say Amen -- I asked if she wanted to pray one more time to baby Jesus. She said okay. She put her hands up, and in her sweet toddler language tried her best to repeat after me. We asked if baby Jesus could please help her to not be afraid of the bath tub anymore. Then she said Amen. Sweet girl. I think I teared up a bit.

Since then we've been trying a few things to make the situation more bearable, but we haven't been having all that much luck. Today I attempted bringing her in the shower with me, after I was washed. She was unsure and nervous, whimpering and whining. I made it somewhat of a game and told her it was like the rain. It went a bit better than I anticipated but still not like bath time used to be. I washed her hair and that was pretty much all she could handle.

An improvement. I'll take it.

The story of our chalk.

If I had a blood pressure cuff it would probably break after the kind of day I've had. No. Joke. And as I sit outside writing this, it still continues.

We left some of Leah's chalk on our front step. Over night. I wouldn't think people would come steal it or anything. Well, I thought wrong. Except it didn't get taken over night. It was during the day. By another two year old. Two years old? Understandable right? Well, we were in and out all day. I painted her toe nails, we kicked the ball around, coloured with chalk.

After dinner we were about to go out again. I asked if M could see Leah's chalk outside on the step. He said no. We went out anyways and shortly after, realized the chalk was completely missing. I look down the way a bit and this woman in jean shorts and bikini top is walking away holding our bucket of chalk with her little red haired, two-year-old boy. I said "Leah, there's your chalk! Go tell that woman its your chalk." She started to run, but didn't get far. She came back to me with her head hung low and shoulders hunched. Upset. Legit heart broken. But honestly, that WAS her chalk. I know it! So, my sister and Leah and I decided to go for a 'leisurely' walk around our complex. Past the woman's house.
So...lo and behold, sitting outside with 2 other women (also mothers) is this bikini woman. And her cute red haired boy. While walking Leah found a piece of chalk. She was estatic.
As we're marching up to these women, which I only intended on closely observing. A three year old girl comes up to Leah. In their toddler language, the conversation goes something like this:
L- chalk?
3yo- oh yeah, we have your chalk over there. (Hands Leah the bucket)
L- :-) kank-you!!
Me- - aw thank you, kiera for giving her her chalk back, we couldn't find it!
3yo- that's Leah's
Me- yes thank you very much, leah's chalk was missing.

DUN-DUN-DUN

the bikini chick speaks up.
"Um, that's our chalk honey. Why are you giving it away? Brett, go get your chalk."
Que three dirty looks my direction.

Then I spoke up and said "well, Leah was asking for her chalk because hers is missing. I guess kiera thought it was Leah's."
Keiras mom- "kiera also thought it was Emma's."

(BECAUSE LEAH KIERA AND EMMA WERE DRAWING WITH IT ON *MY* SIDEWALK YESTERDAY!!!!)

I ignored them. The bikini chick (the lying culprit who knows her son found my daughters chalk) says "here Brett, give the little girl some chalk"
I said "keep it!"
And walked away. Fuming. Gah!! Can you imagine. The nerve?

****
After Leah was in bed, I went to sit out on my front step with my sister and start writing. The little red haired boy opens his front door and runs out. Yelling "this door was unlocked, so i run out" (lol) He came running over to my step. He said "this is where I find my chalk" I said "oh you found some chalk here?" He nods. I said "did you know that was my little girls chalk? She was very sad when she couldn't find it." After this he said about a bajillion 'why's' lol
About 5 minutes later his brother comes out. The boy makes a huge deal about how we want our chalk back and he wants to give it to us. I thought that was the sweetest thing. I didn't care if I got it back or not. That little boy was sorry. And i forgive him. He's just 2. MAYBE 3. He probably knows he shouldn't of just taken it.
About fifteen more minutes of sitting outside, listening to them all yell at the boy for trying to bring us our chalk back, I just couldn't take it. I went on my back step - to enjoy the beautiful evening. But? Its incredibly sad. Lesson learned though. Don't leave ANYTHING OUT. Also? I wrote Leah's name on everything outdoorsy and our unit number.
What kind of people do that? I know its just some silly sidewalk chalk, but its still not right. And that boy knew it. And so did the rest of the mothers once he went back there announcing we wanted the chalk back that HE took.
B!#(H.

I guess we can't choose our parents though, can we?
***

Bath Tub Terrors

I have but one person...er...monkey to thank for the trauma we've all been faced with these last few weeks. Yeah, Curious Geourge, im looking at you.
Okay, but seriously? What kind of writer came up with the idea to make an episode featuring his bath toys getting sucked down the drain? Clearly one who doesn't have children. I can completely understand why she would be afraid of said episode, but i never thought it would escalate to this.
Bath time is a series of struggling, screaming, terrifying and traumatizing events. No joke. It. Is. HARD. Of course we're also into the most messy season of all...summer. Mud, grass, dirt, sand...you get it. She gets dirty. Dirty = BAD...real bad.
The mention of the the words "bath time" send her into a full out freak out. When i do get her in the bathroom, she sees her toys are in there, the plug is in...still a no-go. I tried getting my baithing suit on, getting in, playing, splashing -- a good 'ol time (for me). And as she stands --on the outside-- watching, she still isnt comfortable enough to even get in. Please note: the screaming-crying fit hasn't subsided yet.

Regardless, my child needs to be cleaned. Unfortunatley, i have no choice but to go against her will and plop her in, lay her down and soak her hair. At this point screaming has turned into something of a growling hoarse shriek and i feel like a completely terrible person, let alone mother. Once we're done i pull the plus and she gets into a fit again...er, i guess it never ended, but you know what i mean. She's freaking the heck out. I try showing her that her toys nor my hand or anything except water can go down the drain. Well, she couldn't care less. She wanted the heck out of there. so, i got her out. She was shaking. I felt even worse! If that was even possible. Apparently it was. I brought her in my room and talked calmly to her explaining that her toys are okay. They're too big to go down the drain. ONLY water goes down there. She sort of --in toddler language-- repeated everything i said followed by a sweet, heart melting "okay mommy". I could of cried.
Im so terrified that this is going to turn into some kind of phobia or something. A phobia of water or the tub or...i don't know...anything that can be related.
When i was about 4yo i lived with my parents in a small apartment. We only had a stand-up shower. I hated it, but what else could my mom do? I had to get clean. I still remember sitting on the shower floor crying. I was traumatized. I think it may have been a  year later that we moved. I never took another shower until i was almost 15 years old. I was just uncomfortable. I'm ok now, obviously. But still, i fear for Leah. I was thinking maybe i could try sitting her in our kitchen sick, since its big... or just doing sponge baths until she has some time to forget about this theory she has.
Help a sista out. Any suggestion peeps??

The last day as a workin' mama...

Its hard to know where to begin this post.
I guess I'll start by saying that we moved to this beautiful little town just over a year ago. We knew no one. Once we were settled in, I started looking for a part time job. Thankfully, I was successful. In more than just obtaining a job. I met some pretty awesome people. They all made me feel welcome and at home. The main two women on my shift were both mothers as well. My manager, having a 13 yo and 11 yo boys, and another Co worker having having 2 children close to the same age. They treated me equal. They didn't look at me like a young mother (I'm not even that young of a mother...22?!). Maybe it was because they, too, had their children around my age. Who knows. All I know, is that I will never forget these two. So obviously I plan to keep in touch.
My manager was the best manager I've ever had. So many people had issues with her. She was everything you'd want in a boss. Friendly, sociable, does something other than standing around, and understanding.
My coworker was such a sweet woman. Always bringing baked goodies in for the team, she took our family photos and Leah's good 'ol TWO years old photos!

When I went in today, there was a "goodbye and congratulations on the new home" card. Signed by some of my Co workers.
When I left I couldn't help but get choked up sitting in the parking lot. I cranked the music as I drove across town to my "for now" home, windows down. My last time leaving from what used to be work. I soaked in all that beautiful sunshine shining through the windows, the cool spring breeze blowing through my hair. It was sort of bitter sweet. Call me crazy but I love this town. Like, legit love. Maybe its the name, maybe its the gorgeous scenery... the 2 rivers we have flowing through...the crazy hills, the sweet people, the NORMAL people.

**sigh**

When I was 16 years old, I drove through this town on my way to a tournament. I knew right then, that this was where I wanted to live. That someday, I would live here. Forever.
Well, a year isn't exactly forever, but I'm glad and so happy that I got to spend that here. I guess its better if you move around --a bit anyways-- so you know exactly where is right for you, where home is.
Secretly, I plan on coming back here some day. But for now, we're going where life is taking us. Moving up in the world if you will.

I'm so ready. So ready to be a sahm. For a few months anyways. So ready to spend this summer with my family camping, beachin' it up, going to the safari, Canada's Wonderland. I. Can't. Wait.
This summer is going to be a.m.a.z.i.n.g.

The Mom Business

It ain't easy. But boy is it amazing. I always wanted to be a mother. I never imagined it would be like this. I'm pretty confident its like this for everyone... but its still unbelievable. The love. The bonding. The tears, sweat, and blood...er...poop. The whole shabang. The choices, decisions and constant responsibility isn't easy, but the loving? That comes naturally.

There's days that I just want to lock myself in the bathroom, soak in a bubble bath for hours while sipping a margarita. Then, obviously, there's the real world. I don't exactly get to soak in the bath, let alone a bubble bath. It takes too long to make margaritas. I'll stick to chocolate.

Time for myself isn't always optional and I guess that's understandable given I have a busy, needy, talkative toddler that only wishes she could be attached to my hip. During the day my concentration level is at its lowest. Someone always needs a drink, or a snack, to go potty, read stories or play. But this is life. No matter how busy or crazy it gets...its mine. Its what I was meant for. Meant to be mommy. I wouldn't change this for the world. So time for myself will always be stuck on the side lines, for now anyways.

I sometimes think back to the way it was before I became 'Mommy'. Boring. Uneventful. Wasteful almost. I think back and wonder "why in the world didn't you just have one more drink? Because you COULD." Or "why didn't you go somewhere, anywhere, out of the country." Or this one. "Why didn't you put money away!!? Because when you have a child your going to want some pretty expensive thing that won't go over well with your pocket book!"
After all those thoughts...I think geez, you know what? Life is good. I mean, you know, it could be a little better. Gas could be lower, internet could be free (Heh heh). But I'm happy. So completely happy with where I am. So thankful for everything God has blessed us with. Yes, there have been hard times and I'm sure there will be hard times to come, but I have faith that we'll prevail.
Who knows what the future will bring. But I'm definetly excited for the months to come!

30 Day Shred -- day 2

Well, I just finished my second workout of the thirty day shred. A lot of people have said that level 1 is too easy but, in my opinion...if your sore the next day -- then its doing something. Something good. And let me tell you, I'm SORE. I've got jello legs. Im having a hard time walking, and I've even broke a sweat.
Pretty much every muscle is incorporated in this workout, and I'm pretty confident that it will at LEAST help me tone up. I took my measurements this morning and I'm pretty sure of what my weight is, although I can't be exactly certain to the decimal since I packed our scale away already. But? It doesnt really matter. I have an idea, since ive been within the same 5 lbs for the last few months, and i weighed myself before i packed it. I've promised myself, and now you, that I'm NOT going to weigh or measure myself until my thirty days are finished.

We're moving in 15 days. Our TV and DVD player is obviously going to be one of the last things to go (and one of the first things set up). Still, I can't make any promises that I will for sure be able to do a workout on the 21st. Since its going to be one hectic and crazy busy day with people all around us for the majority of the day...
I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I want to stay as positive and motivated about this as possible.
On a similar note. I'm really trying to eat better and less.
I have a number in mind of how much I would really like to lose. And then I have a realistic goal. In pounds and inches. Oh, also? I did take a 'before photo but... you'll have to wait to see that. :-)

We'll see how it goes. I'll update about it once in a while.

***

I'm tired.

I'm so tired of trying to lose weight. I'm tired of cutting out absolutely all carbs, sugar and fatty foods. I'm tired of doing cardio with little results. I'm tired of being this same weight for the last year. Same flabby stomach, same back fat, armpit boob (you know what I mean), same jiggly thighs. I'm sick and tired of getting on the scale. Seeing the same numbers bounce back and forth between 8 Lbs.
You can't tell me I'm meant to be this weight. I'm so not. I should be able to lose 10 pounds! Some people can lose 30-50 pounds doing what I do/did, and I can't even lose TEN! I was going to the gym faithfully. Man did I love it. I was starting to go beyond my comfort zone. Starting to feel comfortable. Confident even. I believe in surrounding yourself with people you wish to mirror. And I am pretty sure it helped. I was at my lowest weight of the 8 lbs I am always bouncing between, which was like 3-4 pounds lost at the gym. I feel like that's as far as I ever get. No matter what I do I can't push past that mark. Its so unmotivating. I'm sure anyone whose ever wanted to lose weight can relate.
Just over a year ago I lost 25lbs. I lost this in a three month time period, using protein weightloss shakes. My mom lost almost 50 pounds in three months on these same "shakes". It worked. I definetly believe that doing it together is what kept us going, making it a competition and thriving over any achievement from one another.

Lately I've debated going on the shakes again but, I tried it. Countless times again. Literally the same day I'm 'cheating'. I've also thought about Weight Watchers. But what if it doesn't work because its not intense? (I don't know if it is or isn't - just a part of me thinks I need intense. Who knows.) I don't want to waste that money. Another part of me just think I should get my butt out and go running again. But yeah... that takes time. Time I don't always have.
So...the last 2 weeks I've been obsessing over weight gain. Food. Weight loss. Numbers. The last 2 weeks? I've probably gained 8 lbs. I feel gross. I feel puffy and just disgusting.
To save myself the misery, I packed our bathroom scale. I'm sick of obsessing over it.

So my conclusion? I'm straight up UNMOTIVATED!!! LAZY!!
I don't know what to do but wait around for a bout of motivation to hit.

If you have any tips or advice, or anything (nice) to say...please. feel free.