Where do i begin? I've been gone for a month pretty much, or maybe longer. A lot has happened. I feel like i have changed, my LIFE has changed so much in this past month that im starting to get that homesick feeling. Dont ask why. I dont know.
Id like to make this brief but explain too because what i really need is to get this out, off my chest. And maybe, possibly, some words of wisdom, or any helpful advice.
Ive been on something of a spiritual jouney, in case you weren't aware. And im not finished. I continue to be amazed and learn new things about myself. But its my newly, rekindled relationship with the Lord that has gotten me through and made things much easier to deal with since the depression started. I feel new, loved, guided, i feel inspired and uplifted...most times. In a way i feel almost... reborn, into my christianity.
Let me just say, Matt believes but no where near as strongly as i do. He works every Sunday so he doesnt attend church with us. He says if not for that then he would come with us. And you know, i dont expect him to be as faith driven as i am. Because only two months ago i lived a "yes, i believe in God, ill go to church ONE day, but not now....say my prayers ebery night with leah..." in a very non chalant kind of way, life. Get what im saying? Ive talked to him about the changes im going through, and how i feel myself changing into a very different person than the one he fell in love with. He told me that he will support me in whatever it is i want. As long as i didnt preach to him...(in his words: " Jesus wouldnt want that or God would not approve")... or become one of "those crazy christians" meaning i talk about Jesus and God 24/7. I was thankful for his support, but the conversation ended in some frustration on my part.
So, since my whole spiritul journey, i will admit, a lot of faith related things have come into this house. Wall decor, a cd, bibles have come out, ive started two bible study groups, not to mention there's been a lot of talk about it.
And when i look at it this way, i guess i can sense the overwhelming feelings, and i suppose i understand the recent "cold shoulder" if you will.
I just feel torn, and ive started questioning some things. I feel like he is judging me and almost....not liking this different person i feel like im becoming.
I love him. i love my family. i want stability for Leah.
And so...im just torn. And confused.
Thats all....
