The Gist of It. Somewhat of a Catch-up.

Where do i begin? I've been gone for a month pretty much, or maybe longer. A lot has happened. I feel like i have changed, my LIFE has changed so much in this past month that im starting to get that homesick feeling. Dont ask why. I dont know. 

Id like to make this brief but explain too because what i really need is to get this out, off my chest. And maybe, possibly, some words of wisdom, or any helpful advice. 

Ive been on something of a spiritual jouney, in case you weren't aware. And im not finished. I continue to be amazed and learn new things about myself. But its my newly, rekindled relationship with the Lord that has gotten me through and made things much easier to deal with since the depression started. I feel new, loved, guided, i feel inspired and uplifted...most times. In a way i feel almost... reborn, into my christianity. 

Let me just say, Matt believes but no where near as strongly as i do. He works every Sunday so he doesnt attend church with us. He says if not for that then he would come with us. And you know, i dont expect him to be as faith driven as i am. Because only two months ago i lived a "yes, i believe in God, ill go to church ONE day, but not now....say my prayers ebery night with leah..." in a very non chalant kind of way, life. Get what im saying? Ive talked to him about the changes im going through, and how i feel myself changing into a very different person than the one he fell in love with. He told me that he will support me in whatever it is i want. As long as i didnt preach to him...(in his words: " Jesus wouldnt want that or God would not approve")... or become one of "those crazy christians" meaning i talk about Jesus and God 24/7. I was thankful for his support, but the conversation ended in some frustration on my part. 

So, since my whole spiritul journey, i will admit, a lot of faith related things have come into this house. Wall decor, a cd, bibles have come out, ive started two bible study groups, not to mention there's been a lot of talk about it. 

And when i look at it this way, i guess i can sense the overwhelming feelings, and i suppose i understand the recent "cold shoulder" if you will. 

I just feel torn, and ive started questioning some things. I feel like he is judging me and almost....not liking this different person i feel like im becoming. 

I love him. i love my family. i want stability for Leah. 

And so...im just torn. And confused. 

Thats all.... 

This is real life

I'm going to be completely honest. Before, I didn't think depression was as bad as people says it is. Always figured it was just people playing it up for attention. Don't get me wrong, I never said anything bad or unsupportive to someone who had depression. Nor did I ignore them. Its just the way I thought. My sister in law suffers from on going depression and my very good friend is also currently taking anti depressants.
It wasn't until I was diagnosed with depression that it became real. And maybe even a little worse at times. I mean, your so thankful for the help and treatment and the knowledge that hey, you will get better. But, also, the knowledge that there is something wrong with you. You need medication to be "normal", is sort of a bummer. I'm thankful, though, that this is just a "temporary me", I'm not actually this messed up. I'm just...not the real me, not well at the moment. And thats a relief. I should of seen this coming, and maybe I did. Or maybe I've had this longer than I thought.

I really hate being that whiney, cranky girl who never has anything good to say, or the negative attention seeking person who hates her life (which i dont). Im really not trying to get pitty or attention. Most of the time im just looking for a "i totally get it" or something along those lines. To know that THIS is normal. And im not really all that psycho. I am so thankful for all the support from friends I have in the twitter world. Without you I would be alone, and lost. Seriously. I love you. Your amazing people.

One day i will be that person with the happy life, everything going good, no worries, no troubles. I've put my trust in God, and I know He will help get me through this. But that doesn't mean its been easier on me. I know this is real life, and these things things happen. Its apart of my life now, apart of me...and I have to be okay with that.

Diagnosed

I don't think I have to explain why and how life has been crazy lately. Well, beyond crazy actually. Almost unbearable. If you've read any posts I've written this month you'll just know. Things aren't ever a "walk in the park" for us.
Sometime in high school it clicked to me that..."damn girl! You ALWAYS learn the hard way! Always biting off more than you can chew! Always making the wrong decisions!"
And honestly? Those sayings still stand today. Why?!!! I've been asking myself this over and over and OVER!

Lately, I've really tried to dig deep into my faith and pull it out. I recently finished reading The Vow, and I honestly don't think it could have come into my hands at a better time. I felt like it really spoke to me. Like REALLY. It made me bawl. Well, most things do these days.... Anyways, I realized how far I've wandered away from the Lord. I cried over that, cried to Him, cried about everything, ha. But seriously. I did. I wrote my prayers in a journal, speaking very specifically to Him. I'm ready to put my trust in Him again. Let Him lead me.

These last few weeks have been HARD. Really HARD. Ive been pretty absent in the Twitter and facebook department.
It scared me how different ive been feeling, how un-me i felt. How...well, worthless and pathetic. Incompetant. Unworthy. You name it, i felt it. Every shower resulted in me at the bottom, head in my hands, sulking. Brutal. Ugly. I feel dragged down, exhausted, drained, empty. It took a lot of breakdowns, crying, yelling, etc. But today I decided to go see a doctor about it.

Depression.

Antidepressants.
--apparently the more "natural kind" which also happens to not be addictive. I was given lots of information from the doctor and pharmacist. It'll probably be 3 weeks until it starts kicking in.

So, here's to THIS chapter of my life.

*cheers* (or not, since...you know, I don't drink...)

:)

P.s. I don't mean to give you sob stories in hope for pitty. Because, honestly? I don't want your pitty. I don't know what I want. Sleep maybe. And a vacation. More sleep. Chocolate. Yeah....that.

The story behind it. Eviction.

I swear, by the time I'm 30, my life better not have this much drama. Actually, if it doesn't I'll probably be bored to death, since its always something going on, because even now...well, we've been evicted. Yep. I was so upset at first. Before even got the notice. Because I didn't KNOW. Didn't know my rights. But now? I'm stressed, yes, but I'm anxious to prove this asshole is...well, an asshole. Pull up a seat, grab some popcorn and a coffee. This will be a good one:

We pay our rent, clean up after ourselves, are quiet (well, as quite as it gets with a 2 year old), we actually care about our place - unlike so many people here, and we have a puppy - like SO many others here have animals.
But why did WE get an eviction notice? Well, because we complained so much about their half ass flooring jobs and incompetent maintenece men. I moved in here and the basement, spare room, and living room all needed replacement due to cat pee and poop and spray smells. It was horrific. They did the basement about a week and a half after we moved in. But left the carpet ripped up for another week and a half. After this, I guess they figured they could save themselves some money and just do a spray treatment on it and all would be good. Wrong. They did two treatments in the spare room and one in the living room. None of which even helped the smell. The third bedroom was the worst. We had to keep the door closed, and nothing in it. It was completely unacceptable. The spare room JUST got replaced about two weeks ago (we've been here for two months now). Last Thursday we got a call saying they'll be here on Saturday to replace our living room. Friday morning, after we got the puppy, their incompetent, lousy excuse for maintence guy seen me with the puppy outside. The only person who saw us.

A few hours later, the landlord came banging on the door, "You got a puppy?" I didn't deny it. "Yes I did!" ...."Well, you can't. People are getting evicted, you can't have dogs." ....I said, "Well, you can't tell us we can't have one, but everyone else is allowed to have a dog or cat. Apparently, you can pay a $75 deposit to have a cat. But not a dog? That's discrimination, and its not right." He then said, "Well, I'm sorry, I got a call today from carol (owner's agent), saying someone said you had a puppy. So, you can expect an eviction notice." He wasn't all snaky about it, but I still refused to be discrimated against. It was bull, I know what the owner is trying to pull. He later came back and I showed him the Landlord and Tenant board website where it said we COULDNT be evicted because of the dog, unless he's dangerous, causing damage, too noisy or causing allergies (which I'm pretty sure only counts if your in an apartment building sharing elevators and stair cases, and stuff...not town houses) He didn't say much other than "well, he's still going to evict you." I said "what about everyone else with cats AND dogs?" He said "Its just dogs for now." (I mean, what a serious asshole. Like really? Pets are pets. You can't allow one but not the other!)
He came back a third time that day (Friday same day as we got the puppy), and said, "The carpet guys called me, and they're going to have to reschedule?" I said "oh really? How coincidental. I asked for the name of the carpet guy and the company name. He then got all weary, but told me.

Monday came, and the landlord walked up to us outside, this time all snarky, and said "You guys getting rid of the dog?" I said "no we're not"...he got all rude and started pointing his finger saying "well, I'm telling you right now, be ready for the eviction notice!" Matt was out then and he said "Oh we are. We already know he can't evict us." Then our landlord tried saying yes he can because these are now (all of a sudden) condos. Ha.
After he left, I called the landlord and tenant board. I had TONS of questions. Can he charge $75 for a pet deposit? NO. Can we be evicted for having a dog even though we signed a 'no pets' agreement? No, he needs more of a reason. Does the rules/laws change for town houses and condos? NO. I kid you not. Everything I asked this woman on the phone, he wasn't allowed to do. But somehow this millionaire douche who owns tons of property, has a street named after him, his name pinned up in the library for most money donated, an entire WING in the new hospital called after him...and God knows what else... is allowed to get away with stuff like this. Maybe because he has money, or because he thinks we are young and naive. We're not. We know our rights. Nonetheless, that evening the landlord delivered us our eviction notice.

Later on, I thought about the carpet guys. I told matt, "Hey! I'm going to call him and just see if we can reschedule a date for the replacement." So I did. The guy on the other line started laughing! He said, "well, here's the REAL story, (landlord's name) called US! They told US to cancel. Because he said you had a puppy and there was no point because your leaving anyways." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. The landlord lied to my face! And THATS why he was all weary when I asked for the carpet company name. Again...assholes to the Max.

Many people here in our complex I have talked to and they have animals of their own. They don't agree with what he is doing, as they have also received notices in the past, but the owner didn't go any further to getting them to move out. Some want to get together and team up and take him to the Tribunal over it. Of course, because of recent run-ins regarding our carpet, he was quick to get our eviction notice out to us. Yet, he doesn't seem too worried about the others anymore. I mean, the guy who complained is a worker, we arent interferering with his reasonable enjoyment of the property. He doesn't live here. The same goes for electrical workers coming into your HOUSE when you have a dog. You do house calls....people have dogs. That's life. You don't like dogs? Don't do house calls. For explanation's sake, even if my puppy was a dog and actually bit a maintenance person. HE could charge me, fine me, whatever, but my landlord has nothing to do with it, in that sense.

However, Matt and I are doing up a petition. We're going around house to house asking if anyone has had any concerns regarding noise, or damage to my or any other unit. Then, we putting in an order for a hearing. And after thoroughly reading through the Residential Tenancies Act on the Board's website, I feel like we could even have a case. So ill probably looking into having a consultatiin with a lawyer. I paid an early move in fee. And I want that back. This place was in no condition for someone to live in. And I didn't know until I got in here and closed the windows...that's when the smell got bad. Duh. We've been harassed, discrimated against, unlawfully charged, evicted without reason, and he's failing to maintain and repair the living conditions in which we live. Not to mention all the stress and anxiety that's been brought on by this. And once this is all cleared up... I know for a fact my carpet won't get replaced. I'm not even going to bother asking again. I'm going to just file another order with the board.

Before all this happened, I really just thought that you could be evicted for such things. Lesson to be learned here? Know your rights! Just because someone has more money, a nicer house, a nicer car, clothes etc. Doesn't mean a damn thing. We are equal people in society with the same human rights.
I won't ever let anyone walk over me or my family. If something doesn't seem right to you, its probably because it isn't. People like him get away with said issues because he CAN. Because people are scared, or uneducated on the matter at hand, or intimidated. Did you know that an eviction notice is void 30 days after it was received, if the landlord hasn't ordered for a hearing (explaining why they think you should be evicted)? Therefore, you can stay in your home. Yes, you won't have a good residential reference, but at this point, it can't be helped. Your rent will still be taken out, you can continue living there. Mind you, if you DO disagree with the eviction notice YOU have the right to order a hearing.

I won't be leaving. Not this way anyways.

Buried inside this stressed out mama, is a proud woman. I'm doing what's right. What my daughter deserves. What WE deserve. And I won't back down.

:)
*****

Tha pooch. Day 1

We got up at the crack of stupid this morning (5am) to go get our boy. Matt went out and grabbed us a quick breakfast before we hit the road. After a long hour and twenty minutes he was in our arms.

The ride home was....long as well. He sat up with me for about ten minutes, then started getting out of hand so I put him in the little box down by my feet. Thankfully he didn't pee or poop or vomit because, you know, I obviously had to forget a towel/blanket and paper towels. AND his color and leash, in case we had to stop. Oh well, we made it unsoiled. And once we all got out he did his pee.

Coming into the house, he was a little shaky and unsure. Actually most of the day he was shaky and nervous. But towards the evening he really started to warm up. He's even getting used to the toddler that has a pretty much constant volume level of MAX. And he sleeps more than I expected. He had four accidents today. All pee. But he had WAY more successful outside potty trips. I'm pretty proud of him, and me. We did good. I'm still going to hope for better today though.
My mom loves him. She thinks he's gorgeous and she wants one of her own.

Leah was a little bit more attention-seeking. Which I completely understand. And i tried my hardest to be patient and good to her too. When saying her prayers, she just could wait to blurt out "bless you Jax" My sweet girl. She truly loves her puppy.

At night. Gosh, really? We have a newborn again. The weird part is, when we went to bed I looked at matt and said "Who's getting up with him first?" Lol lucky for me, he did. We went to bed around midnight. Matt took him out at 3 to go pee. At 4 I got up with him because he was whining again. He did his pee and got a treat. And 6 I got up with him again, because he was whining. Took him out, he peed. We came in and he ate and drank, so we went back out 5 mins later. Since everyone was sleeping still, it was just me and him. In my jammies, no makeup, no hair brushed. Don't judge. He did his business again. And i was happy.
We made him a comfy little bed out of an old wicker basket I had laying around. He slept in it, and being the little chicken he is (at the moment anyways), he was too afraid to climb out, so he had ZERO accidents all night!
And now, some pictures. :-)

Beached it up.

The day after we decided to get a puppy, I called and arranged for us to go pick him out. Its just over an hour north of us. Not terribly far. The weather was suppose to be nice. Really nice. So, we figured, why not make a day of it, and go to the beach afterwards?
The next morning we got up, packed, got dressed, loaded the truck, took the top off of the jeep, and hit the road. Puppy then beach bound. It was going to be an awesome day. Picking out a puppy took longer than I anticipated. They were all beautifully marked, and most of them had such sweet personalities. Except one boy. He was such a lazy little guy, adorable. When the woman took them outside he played for a bit but then started crying to get back in the bucket to be brought inside. When he finally managed to get it, he continued to cry, I assume, because he wanted back in his cage-thingy in the barn. Haha. Anyways, we didn't choose him... lol poor boy. I wish I could care for them all haha. After we paid her our deposit, we were on our way to the beach. Except it was farther than we thought. Isn't that always how it works?
We made it, finally. Leah's little toddler dream come true. She always pretends to be at the beach. We stayed for two hours. We swam, splashed, floated, built sand castles, buried our child, then my child and i buried her dad. Showed off my new bathing suit. You know, fun times. We brought snacks and drinks with us which included strawberries, cheese and crackers, crispers, and a chocolate bar each. 'Cause, hello, beaching it up calls for a tasty treat, right? Right. Leah and i shared a Kit Kat. Nom nom nom. Usually chocolate, or candy, or ice cream even, doesn't really effect her. Well, in a hyper active way, anyways. Sometimes it does the opposite and puts her to sleep. But today? When we had 1.5 hour drive home? Heck no. She was wired. Like pure giggles, sillyness, loud funky fake laughing, saying hilarious things. Like ridiculously hilarious things, that you wish had been recorded. And of course... i cant even remember it. Darn it. I couldn't even snap a decent picture of her. She was a blur in every one haha. She slept good that night. We all did.
It was an awesome first time at the beach in 2012. And i cant wait to go back.

Tuesday Treasures. ...er, something like that.

You know that moment you realize your pay check wasn't as much as it was suppose to be? Yeah- that. So, needless to say, things haven't gone exactly as planned this week. I guess it could be worse, though.

And because there are equal parts negative and positive stuff going on on a daily basis, I was thinking I should just donate a day of the week to write about all of the craptastic things that happen. You know, so then we can compete for who has the most shitacular day. Sound fun, yeah?
Mmm...well, maybe not.

But I really really do try to just keep moving forward, to find something positive in all this negative. But some days its so hard. Did I happen to break some kind of evil mirror that I wasn't aware of, while walking under a ladder, inside, holding an open umbrella with the number 13 plastered all over it, *takes deep breath before continuing* just before crossing paths with a black cat... on Friday the 13th? *sighs*
Yeah, your probably right. I don't even believe in all that hocus-pocus stuff. Although, I even had to write this post TWICE! Yeah, 'cause somehow it got deleted while trying to publish. Ah...hell.
I gots me a inside out horseshoe stuck up me bum though ;) I must.
 
Anyways. Things that I am thankful for. Things I treasure this week.

** Philadelphia Onion Dip. Nuff said.
** Kissing chubby toddler cheeks.
** uh, buying a PUPPY. Hello.
** Finding an awesome vet with amazing prices.
** The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern
** Our first trip to the beach this summer. Success!
** 21 Jump Street....because, duh, Channing Tatum? James Franco's younger brother (Dave Franco)? ...heck, even Jonah Hill wasn't all that bad in this one.
** Homemade BLT's. Yum.
** Freeze pops from when i was a kid. 10 in a pack for a dollar? Win.
** Paying off bills. Whoop whoop!

Happy Tuesday!